If you’ve spent any time in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), you’ve likely come across the concept of willingness. It’s one of those things that sounds simple on the surface, but can completely change the way you cope, communicate, and make decisions. Willingness is not about giving in, losing power or being blindly compliant, but about being skillful, effective, and choosing actions that move you towards your goals vs. away from them.
In DBT, willingness and willfulness are opposites, and understanding the difference can be helpful in identifying when you may be resisting willingness, and turning away from your goals, and the change you hope to see in your life.
Willfulness is:
- Digging in your heels
- Refusing to accept reality (“This shouldn’t be happening!”)
- Trying to control things you can’t
- Saying “I won’t” even when a skillful option is available to you
- Acting out of pride, avoidance, or fear rather than effectiveness
It is essentially an inner “nope” that shuts down problem solving or any opening to doing things differently. This often keeps us stuck in the familiar places we are trying to move out of.
Willingness is:
- Doing what works, even when it’s uncomfortable
- Participating fully in the moment
- Accepting reality as it is, without trying to fight it
- Being open to guidance, support, or a different approach
- Limiting judgement and trying something anyway
Willingness is not a feeling. You don’t have to want to/feel like doing the hard thing, you have to choose to do it. You’ll notice that feelings or an increase in motivation may come after this more effective action or decision.
Life is full of situations we can’t control; emotions that surge, conflicts in relationships, unexpected obstacles – all of which can increase suffering if we continue to fight reality. Willingness allows us to lower our suffering by helping us move with a situation, instead of using all our energy to fight it. With willingness, we can notice improvements in our emotional intensity, strengthening of relationships, new learning opportunities, and increases in self-respect and confidence.
Now, this is all easier said than done. Willingness can be very difficult to execute when we’re feeling afraid, overwhelmed with emotion, in the midst of conflict, etc. The way we can build willingness is not by trying to be perfect or making big changes right away. Rather, it involves small, gradual steps towards being more effective, observing ourselves in the moment, experimenting with making the choice to be willing vs. willful, and tolerating the emotions that come with it.
Life is hard and messy — and will continue to be. Building and maintaining willingness is a human practice that will always require work, effort, and tenderness. Accepting this and taking it with you can ultimately forge a new path forward, towards the things you want and need most.