By: Alyson Dudley
Validation is key to parenting as it help children and adolescents to feel understood and heard which makes it more likely that they will consider the change parents want to see. Self-validation can also be very effective in this respect.
The following are some key points to remember when using validation for your adolescent (or for yourself or others in your life):
- Validation involves conveying to the other person that you are listening and that their thoughts, emotions and actions make sense to you and are understandable in some situations.
- Validation does not mean that you agree with or condone the thoughts, emotions or behaviours, but rather that you are trying to find even a small part that makes sense and display that you are trying to understand from their perspective.
- Validation can be verbal as well as non-verbal (eg. ‘Wow, that sounds very difficult and it makes sense you were angry”, putting down your phone and really listening, getting someone a tea)
- Verbal validation works better when the recipient is not dysregulated as they will have difficulty processing and retaining what is being said. It is best to use validation in advance or after someone has calmed down.
It is important for parents to use validation not only for their kids/adolescents, but also for themselves. If parents validate themselves, it can lead to reduced suffering and perhaps more willingness to use validation and other skills with their adolescent. Validation can lead to more capacity for empathy and can reduce conflict while promoting harmony amongst family members.
If parents are having trouble thinking of what skill to use in a situation, it can be helpful to remember the importance of validation and perhaps start there!
Adapted From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition, by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan.