By: Jyotsna Makhijani, M.Sc., RP(Q)
Grief is often described as a storm that sweeps through our lives, leaving us feeling battered and adrift. But for many, the experience of grief is less like a single tempest and more like the unrelenting ebb and flow of ocean waves. One moment, the waters are calm, and the next, we are pulled under by an overwhelming current. These waves can come without warning, crashing into us with such force that they leave us gasping for air, struggling to find solid ground. Yet, much like the sea, grief is both vast and unpredictable, and there is no easy way to navigate it.
For those experiencing grief, it can feel as if the waves will never stop. However, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a type of therapy that emphasizes mindfulness and emotional regulation, offers tools that can help us stay afloat in the face of these overwhelming waves. DBT teaches us how to approach our emotions with awareness, acceptance, and skill, helping us cope with grief more effectively.
The First Wave: The Initial Impact
In the early stages of grief, the waves are the most intense. Like an unexpected storm on a quiet sea, the loss feels sudden and overwhelming. Everything is thrown into chaos, and the world as we know it is turned upside down. We may feel as if we are drowning, unable to breathe or find any sense of stability. Our emotions surge and crash—anger, sadness, confusion—all pulling us in different directions.
DBT’s skill of Radical Acceptance can help during this chaotic time. Radical Acceptance encourages us to embrace our grief without judgment or resistance. By acknowledging that this pain is part of our reality, we can stop fighting against it and instead begin to make space for the emotions we are experiencing. Just as the ocean doesn’t resist the pull of its tides, we can learn to allow ourselves to feel grief fully without trying to change or deny it. This acceptance doesn’t mean we “like” it, but it does mean we accept that grief is here, and we can begin to cope with it in a healthier way.
The Intermittent Waves: Surges of Emotion
As time passes, the intensity of grief can ebb and flow like the tide. Some days, we may feel like we’ve finally made it to calmer waters, only for another wave of sadness to crash over us, reminding us of the weight of our loss. These waves may not be as powerful as the initial storm, but they can still knock us off balance.
This is where Distress Tolerance skills become vital. Distress Tolerance skills help us cope with overwhelming feelings in times when we think we are unable to cope. During these moments when the waves of grief feel particularly high, we can use techniques like Self-Soothing (engaging the five senses to calm ourselves), TIPP (Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, Progressive Relaxation), or Accepting the Present Moment to ground ourselves. These skills provide us with tools to ride the waves.
In moments when we are washed away by the emotion of grief, it can also be helpful to use Mindfulness. Mindfulness encourages us to stay in the present moment and observe our emotions without getting swept away by them. We may notice that the waves of grief are temporary, and if we can focus on the here and now, we may find that the wave eventually passes, leaving us with a sense of calm.
The Undercurrent: The Quiet Pain
Not all waves are visible. Beneath the surface of the ocean, there’s an undercurrent that can tug at us even when the water appears calm. Grief has its quieter moments too, when the pain is no longer so obvious but still very much present. It might be the emptiness we feel in a room that once was filled with laughter, or the sudden realization that a part of our life is forever changed.
During these times, Emotion Regulation skills can be helpful. These skills encourage us to identify and label our emotions, helping us create distance from them. Instead of being consumed by the quiet undertow of grief, we can notice it, label it (“I’m feeling sad and a little lost right now”), and allow ourselves to experience it without becoming overwhelmed by it. This helps prevent the undercurrent from pulling us into a spiral of negative thoughts or unhealthy coping mechanisms. Checking the Facts can also be useful here, as it helps us challenge distorted thinking that may arise in response to our grief.
The Shore: Finding Solid Ground
Over time, the waves of grief may become less frequent and less intense. The storm that once seemed unrelenting will eventually subside, and we may find ourselves on a different kind of shore. Healing from grief doesn’t mean we stop feeling the waves; rather, it means learning how to ride them. We learn to recognize the warning signs of the waves before they come, and we become more adept at navigating them.
In this phase, Interpersonal Effectiveness skills can help us lean on others for support. Grief can feel isolating, but reaching out to loved ones, or participating in a support group, can provide connection and reassurance. Practicing assertive communication can also help us express our needs clearly, whether that’s asking for space, support, or understanding.
The skill of Radical Acceptance will continue to serve us as we come to terms with our loss. We may not “get over” the grief, but we can accept that it is a part of our life, and we can learn to move forward with it.
The Eternal Tide: Grief as a Companion
Eventually, we may come to understand that grief is not something to conquer or get over. It is a companion that will always be with us, like the tides of the ocean that continue to ebb and flow. While the waves of grief may become less frequent, they will always be a part of our emotional landscape. The ocean will always have its waves, and grief will always have its place in our hearts. But just as the sea is vast and full of life, so too is our capacity to heal, to grow, and to find meaning in our memories and experiences.
Through the application of various DBT skills, we can learn to navigate the waves of grief in a way that doesn’t overwhelm us. The waves of grief may still come, but with these tools, we can ride them with more resilience, awareness, and self-compassion. The ocean may never be entirely still, but we can find peace in learning how to sail through it.
So, if you find yourself struggling in the waves of grief, know that you are not alone, and that these DBT skills can help guide you. The ocean is vast, and while the waves may feel overwhelming, they are also part of a much larger, timeless journey. With time, the waters will calm, and you will find your way back to solid ground, carrying the memory of those you have lost like a treasure carried in the depths of the sea.