By Beheshta Taheri
As of next month, we’ll be entering the second year of a global pandemic, which has literally changed the face of the world as we once knew it. Several weeks into the first year of Covid-19 restrictions, I wrote a blog about pandemic fatigue and how it was taking a toll on our mental health; little did I know that we would still be talking about it two years later! On a serious note though, it is undeniable that our lives and the larger world around us, will likely never be the same again. Embedded in this sobering recognition is a collective loss of a way of life; and where there is loss, grief follows.
Reflecting on my own feelings of loss and those of my clients’ experiences during the pandemic (i.e., loss of loved ones, loss of jobs, loss of relationships, loss of physical connection, loss of physical gatherings, missed opportunities, inability to be with loved ones before they pass, inability to attend funerals, and countless other losses), I see many parallels with the five stages of grief:
- Denial – disbelief that the loss has taken place
- Anger – that someone we love is no longer with us
- Bargaining – the regrets and what-ifs
- Depression – sadness from the loss
- Acceptance – acknowledging the reality of loss
It is always important to observe and name our grief. Recognizing and naming the stage we may be in, can help normalize our experience and make us feel grounded. It also helps us feel the grief; and as the saying goes ‘if you can’t feel it, you can’t heal it’. More likely than not, we would go back and forth between these stages, and that’s okay. As the late psychiatrist and author of the stages of grief, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, wisely stated, the stages are common patterns of the grieving process, unfolding in a fluid manner, rather than a prescribed and linear trajectory.
For many, acceptance of the loss may imply that once they get to this last stage, they are done. But that’s not always the case. Therefore, recognizing this gap, David Kessler, a grief expert and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s student and protégé, has added a sixth stage to the iconic 5- stage model of grief. In his book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, David Kessler elaborates on the process of finding meaning in grief. This process is particularly apt during this pandemic, given our tremendous individual and collective losses; akin to ‘finding light in our darkest moments’, which goes beyond the 5th stage of acceptance.
Dealing with the loss of his 21-year-old son, Kessler explained that “acceptance was not enough, I needed to find meaning for my son – meaning did not take away my pain but it gave me a cushion that I did not have before”. “I wanted people to know that as [they] deal with acceptance, there is meaning, their life mattered, their death mattered, and meaning can be how we mark it”.
We can’t bypass pain to get to meaning. However, as we take the time to feel the pain and process our loss, or sit with others in their moment of loss or grief, keep these important points in mind:
- Grief is an organic process, and each person grieves in their own way.
- There is often no end to grief – though ‘we can grow around the grief’.
- Avoid “brightsiding” yours or others’ grief (i.e., “looks at the bright side….”).
- Meaning is relative, personal, and takes time.
- “Meaning doesn’t require understanding (i.e., It’s not necessary to understand why someone died in order to find meaning)”.
- “Even when you do find meaning, you won’t feel it was worth the cost of what you lost.
- “Your loss is not a test, a lesson, or something to handle, a gift, or a blessing”.
- “Loss is simply what happens in life. Meaning is what you make happen”.
- Beware of comparative suffering – remember your pain is valid.
- Grief must be witnessed.
- Beware of judging other’s grieving process (e.g., they are moving on too quick/too slow).
- Create and name meaningful moments.
- Meaningful connections heal painful memories.
While the legacy of this pandemic may be a collective loss and grief, it is up to each of us how we process that experience and what meaning we attach to it.
Sources:
Kessler, D. (2019). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Simon & Schuster.