By: Sara Carpentier
As a parent of an adolescent, I recently noticed myself feeling very uncomfortable in my changing relationship. As a social worker, I understand adolescent development and their natural drive toward individuation. Individuation is the process defined by Dr Carl Jung (1939) whereby an individual differentiates themselves from those around them and begins to form their own separate identity. As a parent, I was completely taken aback as this process began to evolve in my own home. There were more closed doors, family rituals became less frequent, and time together became less predictable. Perhaps what felt hardest for me to accept, however, was the decrease in communication
I felt hurt, I grieved the closeness that I once felt, and I felt rejected daily. In theory this made sense to me, I knew this was what he was supposed to do, and I have coached parents through this in my work at Broadview. Yet this was painful and bumpy, and felt very far from a natural transition. The more I reflected on my reactions, the more I realized that this transition required just as much emotional work from me as it did developmental work from him.
So, I realized I needed to use my skills and coach myself through this. I started with mindfulness, paying attention to my emotional reactions and noticing the urge to fire questions at him, lecture, or pursue connection without immediately acting on it. I reminded myself that just because this is a typical developmental process doesn’t mean my emotions don’t make sense. I allowed myself to feel sad and grieve the changing relationship without judging myself for having these feelings.
I also worked on checking the facts rather than making assumptions about what his behaviour meant. A closed bedroom door does not necessarily mean rejection. Less communication does not necessarily mean less connection. I reminded myself that this is a period of growing independence and changing relationships. Rather than trying to recreate the closeness we once had, I began looking for new opportunities for connection. I made a conscious effort to listen more, talk less, and show interest without demanding a particular response. I also had to learn to tolerate the discomfort of not knowing exactly what he was thinking or feeling. Learning that connection does not require an immediate response was important for me. Continuing to invite, show interest and let him choose his response continues to be hard work.
Perhaps most importantly, I reminded myself to be dialectical and recognize that two seemingly opposing truths can exist at the same time. He can need more independence and still need love and connection with me. He can close his bedroom door and still want to be connected. He can be moving away from the relationship we once had, while still building a new relationship with me.
I also began to recognize the need for acceptance. I realized I was holding onto the relationship we once had and resisting the inevitable changes that come with adolescence. I needed to let go of the expectation that closeness would continue to look the same as it did when he was younger. Instead, I am learning to find new ways to connect, while respecting his growing need for independence. Acceptance doesn’t mean withdrawing or giving up on connection; it means allowing our relationship to evolve rather than trying to recreate what it once was.
I have gained a great deal of understanding and awareness in this process, and it is far from over. I need to be sure I am using the skills to regulate emotions that I teach, especially as we navigate these twists and turns of life. Perhaps it is not only adolescents that individuate, but we as parents also move through a process of finding a new identity as our child grows. This new role requires us to tolerate the discomfort of a changing relationship without trying to control the change. We are learning to resist the urge to hold on tighter, ask more questions, and chase closeness. Instead, we begin to shift from a more directive role to a supportive one, remaining available and connected while allowing our adolescents the space to develop their own identities. This is hard work, and I am still learning.
Jung, C. G. (1939). Conscious, unconscious, and individuation. In The Collected Works of C. G. Jung (Vol. 9, Part i). Princeton University Press.