By: Virginia Tsekova
We often think of perfectionism as something that drives people to push themselves harder, aim higher, and never settle. But what if perfectionism isn’t just about you? What if it’s quietly affecting your relationships too?
What the research increasingly confirms is that perfectionism isn’t just a solo struggle. It can shape the way we connect, communicate, and feel supported by the people closest to us.
The Pressure to be Perfect (Or Seem That Way)
One interpersonal dimension of perfectionism is called socially prescribed perfectionism and consists of the belief that others expect us to be perfect. That we have to have it all together, all the time. Even if the people in your life never communicate such expectations directly, the belief alone can create a lot of pressure.
People high in this kind of perfectionism may worry about being judged or rejected if they show vulnerability, “flaws”, or if they feel they are unable to meet others’ expectations. Over time, this can lead to disconnection, loneliness, or conflict.
When High Expectations Go Both Ways
Another form of perfectionism that plays out in relationships is other-oriented perfectionism, or expecting perfection from those closest to you. This can manifest in being critical of people when they make mistakes, secretly feeling resentful when they don’t meet your (sometimes unrealistic) standards, or even mistrusting others.
What Can We do?
If any of the above sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Research shows that perfectionism is on the rise, especially among younger generations. Awareness and recognition of how perfectionism shows up with others is an important first step.
Here are a few suggestions to navigate perfectionism when you notice it impacting your relationships:
- Identify and validate your emotions:For example, we may feel guilty or ashamed when we believe that we are falling short of others’ expectations. On the other hand, we may feel disappointed or frustrated if we believe that others are not meeting our expectations.
- Identify your needs: A need for acceptance, belonging, or self-worth are often at play when we’re dealing with heightened interpersonal perfectionism.
- Practice self and other compassion: Remind yourself that you’re allowed to be human. Being kind to yourself makes it easier to connect with others and to give those around you the same grace.
- Check the facts: Are your friends really judging you for not being perfect or is that an old belief speaking up? What’s the evidence?
- Take small and frequent relational risks: When we have a hard time showing “imperfectly”, it is important to take small steps to challenge this pattern. This isn’t about jumping into the deep end of the pool and putting your vulnerability on display for the whole world to see. It’s about choosing one or several people with whom you practice showing more of your full self.
- Practice assertively making requests: Sometimes it can be hard to communicate our needs and wants to others, so it is important to practice doing so directly. One skill that can help us here is DEAR MAN:
- Describe the facts: e.g., “We haven’t seen each other in a few weeks.”
- Express your own feelings or opinions: “I miss you and I’m feeling confused”
- Ask for what you need or want: “I would really like it if we spent more time together”
- Reinforce change by offering something in return: “I will feel more secure in our friendship if we made plans together more often.” Alternatively, “I will make your favorite meal next time you come over.”
- Try to remain Mindful, Assertive (and warm), and be open to Negotiating.
The reality, however, is that even if we communicate our needs in the most eloquent and effective way, there is no guarantee that the other person will meet them. If that is the case, practicing radical acceptance is important.
Relationships don’t require perfection. In fact, trying to seem flawless can keep us from the kind of closeness we really want. Connection grows when we practice showing up honestly.