By Gibran Rodriguez de los Reyes, M.A.
There is no arguing that emotions are quite complex. Not only do they involve a myriad of bodily and brain systems, mental processes, and behavioural responses, but emotions are also heavily reliant on culture and language. Think about it: when we are born, we can’t identify discrete or separate emotions right away, but we can definitely differentiate comfort from discomfort, or identify what’s pleasant or unpleasant. It is through our experiences when growing up, and the interactions with our caregivers, surroundings, and immediate society that we learn how to name and make sense out of emotions. It is clear then that emotions involve biological, psychological, and social mechanisms that make them a puzzling object of study.
Yet, decades of research on this regard hasprovided us with a more nuanced understanding of what emotions entail – and how they influence our lives. For starters, we know that emotions are not inherently “good” or “bad”; they are ubiquitous to humankind. We are aware that “triggers” or antecedents to emotional experiences can be identified, and that these can be represented by real situations, interpretations of events, bodily sensations, and even other emotions, too! We have also concluded that emotions have an adaptive or functional purpose and that they provide us with information about the world and ourselves, communicate information to others, and motivate us for action. Emotions can be categorized concerning their “valence” or the degree to which an emotion makes us feel good or bad, and their level of “arousal”, in other words, the degree to which it makes us feel calm or excited. Nonetheless, given their intricate characteristics, emotions are frequently misunderstood, and in some cases, they are judged as dangerous, destructive, or unwanted. The problem with this is that judgements and inaccurate representations of our emotions can hinder us from learning how to regulate them properly.
Out of many misconstrued emotions, perhaps anger stands among the top three. By anger, I am also referring to other emotional experiences that are a part of the “anger family” – for instance, rage, frustration, and annoyance. Across multiple societies and cultures, anger is considered unacceptable or equated with emotional immaturity, lack of self-control,and impoliteness. It is frequently thought that anger is contrary to healthy social interactions. Paradoxically, anger is also linked to our gender socialization processes or, in other words, to how we are introduced to gender expectations and roles since we are little. As such, this emotion is posed as vital to traditional displays of masculinity and is often celebrated and reinforced in boys and men worldwide. In fact, in my clinical experience, many men report that anger is a much more familiar emotion to them than, say, emotions such as sadness, fear or hurt. As a result, it is not uncommon that in the face of such obscure emotional cues, these individuals attempt to suppress their sadness/hurt/fear or end up redirecting them in problematic ways (think, for example, about the guy who lashes out or explodes into angry tirades when he is actually feeling deeply hurt).
The intent of this blog post is to serve as an open invitation for you to revisit your ideas about anger and its manifestations. In other words, I hope that these words help you make peace with your anger by understanding it better. Below are some points to keep in mind when doing so:
Anger can be adaptive: “Anger is a potent spice. A pinch wakes you up; too much dulls your senses”. In a scene from the Netflix’s 2020 hit show, The Queen’s Gambit, one of the secondary characters says this to Beth, the main character, as an analogy to how her anger reactions when playing chess can cloud her judgement and decision-making. It is thought that anger evolved in human beings as a natural response to imminent attacks directed to ourselves or important others, situations in which a crucial goal or activity is being blocked, and experiences of mistreatment or victimization. Anger allows for self-defense, mastery, and control. Think about a time in which anger would fit the facts of a particular situation and where the urges that accompany it (for example, raising our voice or adopting a threatening posture or gestures) would be effective or useful. Perhaps you brought to your awareness that anger can help you defend yourself or others when you are being physically attacked. But that is an extreme case, right?
The context matters. A more common and everyday scenario would be when you are receiving subpar services from a company. Let’s say that you checked the facts already, and the customer representative is refusing to help you out even though you have provided them with evidence that the company made a mistake. In this context, speaking forcefully and assertively to the person in charge could motivate them to fix the issue. As mentioned earlier, a pinch of anger in this situation can encourage you to become firmer and direct in your requests when you have been wronged or when your boundaries have been transgressed. Anger at this level of intensity can be conceptualized as “frustration” or “irritability”, and it might as well help you get what you want out this situation. Nevertheless, what would happen if in a similar scenario, you experience intense anger – what we call “fury” or “outrage”? Will your behaviours be adaptive?
Too much of a good thing. Anger can get in the way of our objectives or be detrimental to our relationships when it is experienced as too intense. It can also be problematic when it arises in situations where it does not fit the facts. It becomes an issue when it leads to behaviours that later make us feel bad about ourselves because we acted against our values or principles. Would you agree that yelling at a customer service representative or threatening is not the most effective way to get a reimbursement? Understanding that anger can help us keep firm in addressing transgressions is the first step to better managing it, as we accept the possibility that – most often at low doses in our contemporary society – it can be adaptive. Still, we must also contemplate that the intensity of our anger response can bring forth various behavioural urges, some more ineffective than others as it goes from annoyance to rage. Naming our anger, checking the facts, revisiting our goals, noting our behaviours, and modulating our level of arousal can be useful strategies before we decide to act upon (or opposite) to anger in any given situation.
Bringing anger down to a manageable level. Regulating your anger can be a challenging feat, particularly when it has become the go-to for you to express emotional distress. If you are about to enter a situation in which you know that anger has gotten in the way in the past, make a conscious effort to stay in the moment and be mindful of your responses. When you feel anger bubbling up, identify the urges that arise and determine whether they fit the facts and your goals. If your reaction is too intense, adopt a willing hands posture and soften your facial expression. Mindfully choose to ride the wave of anger until you return to the baseline. Notice the thoughts and interpretations that are feeding into your anger – and consciously decide to step back and appraise them as mere thoughts rather than reality. I can assure you you’ll notice a difference!
Study your anger responses. If you’re prone to becoming triggered in certain situations that by no means fit the facts for an anger response, monitor your behaviour. This will become useful whenever you face a similar event in the future, allowing you to elaborate a cope ahead plan to regulate your anger and act skillfully. Identify if anger is one of your most common emotional responses – and ask yourself why. It is not uncommon for anger to become a secondary emotion to other emotional cues that are experienced as shameful, painful or difficult to process (think about sadness, hurt, and fear/anxiety). Also, understand the urges that you most often experience vis-a-vis anger, and reflect upon their effectiveness across a variety of settings. Think hard about the different levels of intensity in which anger is present in your life and how adaptive these are. Here’s a hint: Unless you are continually being threatened with actual attacks, or you and your loved ones are constantly at harm’s risk, it is unlikely that the most extreme displays of anger will be the right way to go! Determine what kind of strategies could be useful to avoid giving in to those urges when they are most likely ineffective.
I hope that this short explanation has reminded you that emotions have a purpose and that learning to understand what they are saying to you is a crucial means to improve your overall mental health and wellbeing. In short – no need to be afraid of anger but exert caution. As it were a spice, too much anger, or anger that is thrown into the wrong dish (or situation), can be overpowering.
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Sayles, B. (n.d.). Graffiti. Pexels. https://www.pexels.com/photo/brown-dragon-wall-paint-3217676/.