Connection Before Correction: Shaping Behaviours in Children with Empathy and Understanding

By: Varenya Kuhathaas, MSW, RSW

Parenting young children is filled with ups and downs, joys and challenges. One of the most effective strategies for guiding behaviours is “Connection before Correction”. This approach encourages parents to focus on the bond and attachment before addressing behaviour that needs adjusting. It may seem counterintuitive when your child has an outburst or displays defiance but connecting can be a compelling way to shape behaviours that last.

Understanding “Connection before Correction”
This is about taking a moment to connect with your child’s emotions before addressing your behaviour. This approach relies on the knowledge that children are still learning to manage big emotions and impulses. Often, misbehaviour is a symptom of unmet needs or overwhelming emotions. By connecting with them first, you are acknowledging their emotions and helping them feel safe, seen and understood.

Why this approach matters
Research and experience show that children are more likely to respond positively when they are feeling connected to caregivers. When a child feels that their parent understands their struggles, they are more likely to be receptive to support and guidance. By connecting with emotions to establish trust, you’re not just addressing today’s behaviour – you’re also laying the groundwork for your child to feel secure, valued and more able to self-regulate in the future.

How to use this in everyday parenting
Pause before reacting
The first step is the one we all struggle with taking a deep breath and pausing. Young children’s behaviours can trigger quite strong reactions in us but by slowing down, we can respond more effectively. Asking yourself questions like, “What might my child be feeling right now? How can I help them feel understood?”
Acknowledge feelings
Label and validate their emotions. If your child is frustrated and showing signs of frustration though their words, behaviours, body language, etc., for example saying something like, “I see you’re feeling really upset right now. I understand; it can be hard to feel that way.” This simple acknowledgement helps them process emotions and models empathy. Try to come up with reasons as to why your child might be feeling that way to help them make the connection between the situation and their feelings. For example, saying something like “I can understand your frustration because your brother took your toy and you were really excited to play with it. And maybe because he wasn’t listening to you.”
Get on their level
Physically coming down to their level – kneeling or sitting with them – can convey respect and create a feeling of safety. Eye contact can help them feel heard and that you’re present and engaged.
Use gentle touch
Depending on your child’s comfort level with touch, a gentle hand on their shoulder, a hug or a soft hold can be calming. Touch can be a really powerful grounding force, making it easier for them to re-center and feel less overwhelmed.
Listen actively
Sometimes, children need to vent or talk before they’re able to shift their behaviour. Offer them a space to share, listen without interrupting, and reflect back what they’re saying. Even young children benefit from knowing that you’re really listening.
Set clear, consistent limits with compassion
Once the connection has been made, you can gently guide them toward the behaviour you’d want to see. For example, if your child is having trouble sharing, “I know you love playing with that toy. We have to take turns to everyone has a chance.” This response keeps boundaries intact but tempers them with understanding.

Benefits you’ll notice over time
By implementing this strategy, parents often notice an improvement in their child’s emotional regulation and problem-solving skills. This approach also encourages cooperation, as children feel safer and less defensive. In the long term, they’ll hopefully start to internalize the behaviours you model: empathy, calmness and constructive problem-solving. The barrier with this strategy is that you may not see the change right away but with consistency, connection drive parenting builds resilience and strengthens the parent-child bond.

Challenges and how to overcome them
Even with the best intentions, “Connection before Correction” can be hard to implement in moments of stress. Some helpful reminders include:
Be kind to yourself: parenting is demanding and hard, we’re only human. When you have a tough day, remind yourself that tomorrow is a new opportunity.
Practice self-care: your well-being plays a huge role in how well you can connect with your child. Regular self care routines can support you stay centered.
Celebrate small wins: notice the small changes in your child’s responses over time, even if they’re gradual. Every step forward is worth celebrating!

Final thoughts: Leading with Love
At its core, “Connection before Correction” is about leading with love. It’s about showing your child that even when they make mistakes, they are loved, respected, and valued. This approach helps them understand that while certain behaviours are not acceptable, they are always accepted. Through connection, you nurture their growth. By correcting with compassion, you guide them in ways that last.

This journey isn’t about perfection but rather about growth – for both you and your child.