I am grateful that our society has moved to a more knowledgeable and compassionate stance toward mental health and neurodevelopmental challenges. We are more aware now of how various emotional, physical, social and cognitive differences can impact children and adolescents’ functioning. As a result, we have become much more willing to provide accommodations in family and educational settings.
Providing accommodations seems to be the most humane and compassionate response we can provide to children and adolescents who struggle with various mental health and developmental concerns. And yet, research has shown that some accommodations are actually detrimental to our development and well-being in the long term. They may limit a youth’s potential, and may fuel or exacerbate mental health conditions. For example, allowing youth to avoid an anxiety provoking task (e.g. making a phone call, doing a presentation, writing a test, travelling, being in a crowd) may reduce anxiety in the short term, but increase anxiety and depression in the long term. While short term relief may seem highly desirable to a child, adolescent or parent, there are considerable costs to accommodations that facilitate avoidance and keep young people stuck in their development. Teachers may think that they are being generous and flexible in providing an extension on assignments for students with anxiety or ADHD, but such an accommodation may result in prolonged anxiety, distress, obsession, avoidance and procrastination. The structure of a deadline may be challenging, and yet essential to many students who struggle with anxiety, perfectionism, and executive functioning deficits. If teachers continually provide extensions, students will not learn how to manage their anxiety, approach difficult and dreaded tasks, and improve their ability to organize themselves and to achieve goals.
Despite having different strengths and needs, all youth have the capacity to grow and make changes in how they cope and function in this world. We need to be careful that in trying to show understanding for the differences among children and adolescents, we do not apply blanket accommodations that might actually hinder growth. Having cautioned against accommodations, I must admit that there is a need and a place for them. Below, I provide recommendations for implementing accommodations in a way that is helpful and does not prevent development.
- Be careful not to jump to accommodations right away. It is possible that you or your child will be able to cope with this challenge without accommodations. Many youth initially feel overwhelmed by a task, and with time and appropriate strategies, they are actually able to accomplish the assignment. In doing so, they are learning vital life skills and developing confidence that will enable them to be successful in future situations.
- When you choose to use or provide accommodations, do so sparingly. Do only what is necessary to help someone to pursue their goals. For example, children who are selectively mute may need some support in advocating for their needs, but parents should do as little facilitating and mediating as possible for them in a particular setting so that they learn to speak for themselves.
- Try to select accommodations that allow children and adolescents to approach tasks or situations that will enrich their life and development and lead to learning, rather than to avoidance. Wearing sunglasses in a brightly lit space is better than avoiding an event in that space all together.
- Avoid accommodations that exacerbate avoidance, procrastination, anxiety or depression. Although schools often allow for extensions when children have an IEP, such an accommodation tends to backfire and be harmful to children’s functioning and well-being in the short and long term.
- Tailor accommodations to the individual. Do not apply general accommodations to every child or individual facing anxiety or to all situations. Make sure to create a plan based on the individual’s unique profile and circumstances and the unique circumstances of an activity or setting.
- Provide accommodations short term and with a plan of reducing or phasing them out with increased exposure and practice. Rather than being exempt from presentations indefinitely, a child with performance / social anxiety should gradually work toward doing presentations.
- Be careful that accommodations are used only when necessary, and that your children or adolescents do not become dependent on them in all circumstances. For example, if a child becomes dependent on having their dog or cat with them in all settings, they will assume that they can not go anywhere without this dog or cat, will attribute their success in going places to this dog or cat (and not their own bravery or skills), and will experience limitations in what they can do, and where they can go in the future.
- Accompany any reduction in accommodations with considerable validation and reinforcement. Youth’s resistance to engaging in certain tasks or situations is valid, and it is important not to dismiss their concerns.
- Remind children and as to what they can gain by pushing themselves to pursue certain activities with minimal or reduced accommodations. Being able to go to a social event on their own will lead to more open doors for them in the future.
Remember that tackling fears, overcoming hurdles, and accomplishing tasks builds an individual’s confidence, capacity and competence. Such approach coping helps children to build a life that is productive, meaningful and healthy, whereas avoidant coping reduces their opportunities, narrows their life, and reduces their long term happiness.
It is understandable that all children will want accommodations when facing discomfort, anxiety and distress. It makes sense for them to want to escape from physical and emotional discomfort and it is normal for us to want to relieve their distress, which also relieves our own distress. Next time, you feel the urge to rescue a child facing a challenge, pause and ask yourself if your actions would actually be helpful. We can combat our tendency to over-accommodate children by remembering the long-term benefits they will acquire through approaching tasks or situations that are uncomfortable for them. We can view these situations as opportunities for their growth and resilience, rather than as dreaded situations to be avoided. We can remember that they will often reap the most benefit from activities that are hard for them to do. We can be compassionate about their very real struggles, and at the same time, encourage responses that will build their skills and adaptability for the future. So next time you, as a parent or educator, are feeling the urge to rescue from discomfort, try to remember that this situation and task might be an important opportunity for learning and growth.