By Dr. Jillian Glasgow
I sit down to write this blog post as it is snowing outside in the middle of May, perhaps the perfect time to be writing about entering the paradox of the dialectic. It reminds me that winter is not quite done with us yet – one last hurrah before it’s gone for a few months – and that it is still spring anyway, even while it is snowing. It reminds me that seasons don’t change all at once: there is a back and forth as we gradually move through the year.
A dialectic is when two seemingly conflicting things are true at the same time. For example, “It’s snowing and it is spring”. You might also see dialectics when in conflict with other people. I like to think of it as having an elephant in the room with two blindfolded people on opposite ends of the elephant. If one person describes the elephant as being like a large snake after touching its trunk and the other describes it as being like a rope after touching its tail, both descriptions are true and each person holds a portion of “the truth”. A core dialectic of DBT is accepting where we are right now and changing for the better. In other words, “I’m doing the best I can, and I need to do better and try harder”. We use “and” in the middle of a dialectic instead of “but” to give both statements equal weight – they are equally true!
Some other examples of dialectical statements are: “I feel happy and I feel sad”; “I want to be loud and you need me to be quiet”; “Things are very different now from a year ago and every day feels the same”; “I feel too tired to work and I can do my work anyway”; “I love you and I hate you”.
Being more dialectical can help to reduce the emotional intensity that comes from unbalanced, all-or-nothing thinking or conflicts with other people. It reminds us that there is more than one way to see a problem and people are unique and have different points of view. Here are a few ways to be more dialectical day to day:
- Change your thinking from all-or-nothing to both-and, and soften extreme language (e.g., always, never). For example, instead of thinking/saying “I’m a failure”, change that to “sometimes I fail and sometimes I succeed”. Instead of thinking or saying “You never listen to me!”, instead say “You’re not listening to me right now”.
- Dialectics are a good way to validate yourself while still pushing for change. When you have to do something difficult that you don’t want to do, for example, you can validate yourself by first saying “this is hard (maybe even so hard that it feels impossible) and I can get out of bed and do it anyway”.
- Enter the paradox. Sometimes when I teach dialectics, there is this feeling like “but then what do you do?” What do you do with that dialectical tension between two seemingly opposing things? And you enter the paradox by just allowing the two to exist simultaneously. One side is not fully correct, nor do you have to choose between them, you just notice the tug-of-war between the two and that they both exist. Sometimes this acceptance can give you the freedom to move on, or to find a different solution, and sometimes it is just an opportunity to sit in an uncomfortable moment and learn to tolerate it.
- Practice dialectics by actively looking for them in your life. Take a few moments to notice what has changed in your life or in the room you are in. Now, what has stayed the same? You’ll notice that you can generally find both.
Once you start looking for dialectics around you, you start to see them everywhere. I have compiled a playlist of songs that have dialectical messages or dialectical statements. Some music might be dialectical because it is a sad sounding song with happy lyrics (or vice versa). Try it out: see if you can hear the dialectics in these songs. Another challenge for you is to explore your own music for songs that are dialectical in some way. I bet you can come up with your own examples!
Once you start looking for dialectics around you, you start to see them everywhere. I have compiled a playlist of songs that have dialectical messages or dialectical statements. Some music might be dialectical because it is a sad sounding song with happy lyrics (or vice versa). Try it out: see if you can hear the dialectics in these songs. Another challenge for you is to explore your own music for songs that are dialectical in some way. I bet you can come up with your own examples!
Frank Walker, Astrid S – Only when it rains
Modest Mouse – Float On
Mother Mother – it’s alright
Dashboard Confessional – Vindicated
Jr Jr – Same dark places
Half alive – Still feel
Marketa Irglova – Falling Slowly
Matchbox – Unwell
Katie Herzig – Lost and Found
You can access this playlist on Spotify.
Images
Putekhova, K. (2017). Pink Flowers. UnSplash. https://unsplash.com/photos/IS7czbFUvVk.