By: Agustina Jorquera, M.Ed, RP
A question that I often get asked by parents of adolescents, as well as a struggle I see in adolescents is in how to balance ‘doing’ with ‘resting’ for the summer holidays. Questions that I often receive sound like:
How much camp should I book for my kids this summer?
Should I wake up my children as if they are going to school every day or let them sleep?
Should I let them relax all summer or should they find a job?
Should I have the weeks accounted for with activities?
The above questions are usually questions by parents, while adolescents get caught between the confusion of not knowing how much to plan for and how much to relax for. This confusion of how much to adhere to a routine vs. how much to break routine brings up a lot of anxiety that sometimes interferes with the ability for families to celebrate and take in the summer break. This can also kick off the summer season with several unsettled plans and conflict in families when there isn’t an agreement on what the summer season will look like. One truth of the matter is that life doesn’t always go as planned, camps get full, volunteer positions don’t come up on time and sometimes it is ok to have a delayed start to activities or struggle to find an activity for each week of the summer.
One of the DBT skills that we discuss in our groups is balance in scheduling. We discuss the spectrum between being over-scheduled and under-scheduled and ways to land on a middle path that gives the opportunity for one to be in ‘doing’ mind and ‘being’ mind. As with all things DBT, we can safely conclude that planning for summer will include having time to be on a schedule and having time to be off schedule.
We often advise that having a complete summer break (for some adolescents this can last for about 2 months or more!) without any structure or routine (little to no expectations on time to rise, little to no expectations on getting out of the house to do activities) can actually lead to emotion dysregulation, fatigue and less fulfillment (although it sounds enticing, too little structure can be overwhelming and some adolescents will default to complete avoidance) whereas, a summer with back to back camps, work or volunteer positions every day can feel too rushed and hectic. Either extreme generates feelings of restlessness and decreased sense of accomplishment and fulfillment.
Some general guidelines are depicted below for knowing how to find a balance (that will likely need tweaking and will fall far from perfect, but will provide a guide) of expectations for scheduling for your family this summer:
- Plan for some vacation time (doesn’t have to include going away). Having some weeks without having to meet deadlines for arriving to a volunteer position or a job on time can be rejuvenating after a long school school year of having to perform.
- Especially if your adolescent struggles with emotion regulation, aim to keep a consistent time to rise as this will shape bedtime routines. Emphasizing time to wake vs. time to go sleep can help avoid many conflicts and leads to similar outcomes (increasing healthy sleep patterns). Little structure in sleep is not a sign of ‘vacation’ and can lead to dysregulation for adolescents. Of course, there can be flexibility in this when weekends come around or if there is an activity that runs late on some weeks. Aiming for keeping mostly a consistent schedule is the key.
- Aim to continue to implement a household routine throughout the summer (time for lunch, time for dinner, time to do chores).
- Continue to hold expectations on chores that must be completed. Whether one is on vacation or not, garbage needs to be taken out, floors need to be swept and dishes need to be cleaned.
- Talk with your adolescent about the right amount of time of ‘producing’ and ‘relaxing’ this summer to come up with a balance of activities they must attend and time that is unstructured. Some families have adolescents alternate weeks of activities with rest, others get a summer job or volunteer position or camp for half of the summer or more.
The most important message that I am trying to convey is that summer holidays don’t equate with ‘time for no expectations’. Expectations for sleep, eating, and getting out of the house are pre-requisites for a life worth living and need to be held even in the summer break. The number of planned activities (camps, volunteer positions, paid jobs) depend on family to family, but they will also help add structure regardless. If not over-scheduled, they can provide an outlet for socialization and building a larger community network for adolescents. There is no ‘one model’ fits all when it comes to scheduling summer activities however, trying out how to best straddle both – rest and activity – should be the common goal.