By: Max Smith, BA
With the holiday season right around the corner, the days are getting shorter, the evenings are approaching more quickly… and you might be thinking about the chaos that some family members can bring to holiday events! Have you ever experienced a holiday dinner where someone says something controversial to turn heads? Have you ever been locked into a conversation with a family member who has an opinion you don’t agree with?
Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. Certain family members with different political views – or perhaps different morals and values – can certainly cause stress during the holidays. It can be challenging to stand up for yourself and voice your opinion. However, there are many DBT skills you can use to support yourself and to remain regulated. One of these skills is FAST, a DBT tool that is extremely useful during moments of distress and self-invalidation.
The FAST skill allows you to behave in a way that upholds or enhances your self-respect when interacting with others. It empowers you to express your desires or to decline requests. We encourage individuals to use FAST for a couple of reasons. First, it minimizes the chances of “giving in,” which can undermine self-respect. Second, it decreases the likelihood of behaving in ways that provoke shame, which also diminishes self-respect. This is why it is a useful tool to keep in mind when that family member says something at odds with your morals. Using FAST will enhance your ability to communicate effectively, negotiate, and achieve your goals during difficult conversations.
Here is how to use the FAST skill:
F – Fair: Be FAIR to yourself and others. Recognize and validate both your own feelings and wishes, and those of the other person. It’s difficult to maintain self-respect if you consistently prioritize others’ desires over your own needs and values.
A – Apologies: Avoid over-apologizing or apologizing without cause, especially for your needs, opinions, or important requests. While genuine apologies can strengthen and repair relationships, excessive apologies can harm them over time. They suggest that you’re at fault or have made a mistake.
S – Stick to Values: Are you compromising your core values to avoid conflict or to be liked? It’s important to be clear about your personal morals, limits, and boundaries. Embrace a dialectical approach, but avoid being excessively flexible.
T – Truthful: Be honest and refrain from lying, exaggerating, or pretending to be helpless to achieve your goals. Habitual lying undermines trust in a relationship. Don’t exaggerate or make up excuses.
The holiday season can be stressful, but the FAST skill will help you stay true to your values and set boundaries with family members. Happy holidays!