By: Dr. Gibran Rodriguez, Ph.D
Emotions have a fundamental social component; they not only reveal our wants and needs and help us organize our behaviour, but they also communicate important information to those around us. It only makes sense, then, that human beings feel so deeply within the context of relationships. The emotional nature of interpersonal bonds is rooted in our evolutionary history as a species.
In DBT, we address interpersonal dynamics due to the significance of relationships in building a meaningful life and because conflicts in relationships often trigger distress or emotional dysregulation. Through skill development, we can actively cultivate balance in our connections and better navigate the complexities of interacting with others. Here are some key principles DBT embraces regarding relationships:
1. Radically accepting our lack of control: There are certain hard truths about relationships we must accept them to build stronger connections with others. For example, we must accept that we cannot ensure the other person will behave or respond according to our expectations. We also must acknowledge that all relationships will eventually come to an end, whether due to mortality or the natural ebb and flow of life. Embracing these realities can free us to enjoy relationships without the burden of rigid expectations.
2. Relationships are dialectical: In all relationships, especially romantic ones, it’s important to recognize the dialectical nature of human interactions. For instance, we can maintain our individuality while emphasizing togetherness. We may accept our partners as they are while also fostering positive changes in our couple-level dynamics. It’s possible to love someone deeply and still feel hurt or angry; positive and negative emotions do not cancel out each other. Likewise, we can hold hopes and ideals for our relationship while accepting that both we and our partners are imperfect.
3. Building trust can require opposite action: Anxiety is natural in relationships, particularly when we fear the threat of losing the bond, connection, or closeness with a partner, friend, or family member. This anxiety may lead to hypervigilance and/or emotional dysregulation, which affects how we communicate and respond to our loved ones. Building trust sometimes requires using opposite action—choosing to give the other person the benefit of the doubt while accepting that this leap of faith might occasionally result in hurt. Also, radically accepting that feelings of hurt are relevant and unavoidable in the context of relationships is paramount to interpersonal effectiveness.
4. Making relationships work requires proactive effort: Relationships rarely function seamlessly without effort. Fostering positive interactions and strong bonds requires mindfulness, active listening, assertiveness, validation, and vulnerability on both sides. It’s as unhelpful to assume full responsibility for making a relationship work as it is to expect the other person to make all the changes. In relationships, we mutually influence one another.
5. Boundaries and building/ending relationships are skills: In DBT, we teach how to set boundaries skilfully to increase the likelihood that others will respect them; however, as noted in point #1, this is not guaranteed. Thus, setting boundaries involves communicating them and enforcing consequences when they are crossed. Being skillful also means knowing when and how to build relationships that enhance our well-being and recognizing when to end connections that are harmful or misaligned with our values or life-worth-living goals.
DBT can enhance our satisfaction in meaningful relationships by helping us embrace the imperfect yet fulfilling nature of these bonds. With practice and mindful application of DBT skills, you can take a step closer to creating a life worth living.