By: Alyson Dudley, MSW
As a therapist at Broadview Psychology, I work with parents providing individual parent therapy and I also co-lead a parenting group for parents of adolescents. One of the first topics I discuss with parents is the DBT skill of validation. I find it important to discuss it first to lay the groundwork for setting up an environment for acceptance AND for change (a key DBT concept). Validation is valuable for both, as it can allow adolescents to feel understood and heard, while also encouraging change.
The following are some key points to remember when using validation for your adolescent (or for yourself or others in your life):
- Validation involves conveying to the other person that you are listening and that their thoughts, emotions and actions make sense to you and are understandable in some situations.
- Validation does not mean that you agree with or condone the thoughts, emotions or behaviours, but rather that you are trying to find even a tiny part that makes sense and display that you are trying to understand from their perspective.
- Validation can be verbal as well as non-verbal (eg. ‘Wow, that sounds very difficult and it makes sense you were angry”, putting down your phone and listening, getting someone a tea)
I discuss with parents why it’s important to use validation not only for their adolescents but also for themselves. If parents validate themselves, it can lead to reduced suffering and perhaps more willingness to use validation and other skills with their adolescents. Validation can lead to more capacity for empathy and can reduce conflict while promoting harmony among family members.
I often suggest to parents that if they are having trouble thinking of what skill to use in a situation, always remember the importance of validation!
Adapted From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition, by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan.