By Zahra Ali, M.Phil
One evening, when I entered home after a usual day of work, I saw Phoenix, my dog, sitting in the corner of the balcony, wagging her tail but not approaching me. I noticed that her gaze and body posture were lowered, her ears were tucked back, and her tail, although wagging, was between her legs. She looked adorable, yet I knew she had transgressed. Then, I saw a puddle of pee. “Oh, Phoenix…” I gasped, but I noticed my irritation had already melted into endearment for this beautiful, innocent creature. After all, Phoenix was clearly ashamed; her deed was probably just an accident. I happily cleaned the puddle, and later, Phoenix got a cuddle.
The above example highlights the emotion of shame in my dog and its evocative power to elicit and alter an emotional response within me.
If we were to widen our scope, we would see similar responses in other animals and human beings which are evolutionarily adaptive in nature. The dictionary describes shame as “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour”. Essentially, like any other emotion, shame exhibits physical, mental, and external characteristics. When we experience shame, we might encounter sensations like tightness in the throat or chest, nausea, and flushing. Externally, we may present ourselves as small, closed-off, covering our faces, slumping our shoulders, attempting to escape the situation, fidgeting, avoiding eye contact, and swallowing hard. Similarly, on a mental level, shame may manifest as self-blame, feelings of helplessness and powerlessness, compounded by a sense of inadequacy. These behaviours can lead to self-absorption, and rumination, and may hinder our authenticity and creative expression. Often, they result in isolation or the need to appease others.
Shame is hidden:
In Gail Theisen Womersley’s words, “shame is ashamed of itself”.
Since shame is a self-protective emotion, its purpose is to help us protect ourselves by hiding. It also conceals itself, often beneath anger, dissociation, blame, or resentment. Evolutionarily, shame aided in our survival. Due to the scarcity of food and resources, living in tribes was vital for survival. Feeling and expressing shame prevented our ancestors from being expelled from the tribe, appearing less threatening to the community. It drove us to appease and make amends, which in turn repaired our social reputations and ensured the continuation of social protection.
Although self-protective in nature, shame can be justified or unjustified. We experience justified shame in response to our own actions, such as not vacating priority seating on public transport when someone needs it, and noticing disapproving gazes from others. Another type of shame is independent of one’s actions and is associated with aspects beyond their control, like identity, race, religion, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, and body. For instance, migrants may feel shame for being in a new country; differences in appearance, speech, or ways of being can evoke a sense of powerlessness, a lack of resourcefulness, and existential panic. These factors will, of course, vary depending on a person’s background, the nature and availability of social affiliations, and past experiences with racism, oppression, and other traumas.
Difference between guilt and shame:
Unlike shame, we experience guilt when we act against our morals or values; it is more intrapersonal than interpersonal. Shame, on the other hand, always involves the self in relation to others and implies a universal and global connotation regarding one’s self-worth.
The innocence of shame:
Chris Germer describes shame as “an innocent emotion that arises from the wish to be loved”.
Keeping in view how shame developed as a survival response and its function to maintain social reputation, it makes sense that the core needs behind any shame is love and acceptance. Don’t we all just want to be seen and loved for who we really are? Don’t we all try to appease, hold back, become our worst critics, spiral down a cycle of self-blame, and ask for reassurance just to ensure we are still valid, accepted, and valuable to those we love, respect, or care for? After all, Phoenix’s shame melted my heart, reassured me that she understood she had made a mistake, and led me to reaffirm my love for her by not expressing anger and instead offering unlimited belly rubs (though my response here would change if such mistakes were repetitive; of course, I do not want to reinforce this behaviour and be welcomed with a puddle of pee every time I come back home. The point here is to highlight the underlying need behind shame in this situation).
Acting opposite to shame:
Marsha Linehan developed an intervention called, “Opposite action for shame” which is essentially an emotion regulation skill and helps in reducing unjustified shame. However, before we engage in actions that counteract shame, it’s important to identify the emotion that stands in opposition to shame. Additionally, we should consider how life would appear without overwhelming shame, acknowledging that a certain degree of shame might be inherent in our biology and cannot be entirely eliminated.
Christopher Germer regards self-compassion or self-love as the opposing emotion and antidote to shame. Furthermore, he discusses the three paradoxes of shame and their alignment with the three components of self-compassion:
1. Blameworthiness vs Self-Kindness: Shame leads us to question our worth and casts us as entirely negative, while self-kindness acknowledges our innate need for love and recognizes that it emerges from a fundamental need rather than constituting a crime or sin to be concealed or punished.
2. Permanence and Individuality vs Common Humanity: When we experience shame, it engulfs us, creating a sense of damnation and isolation. It possesses the power to make one feel exposed and vulnerable, setting them apart from others. Yet, like any emotion, shame is temporary. It may persist for extended periods at times, but eventually, it dissipates, regardless of the intensity in the moment.
The concept of common humanity underscores that shame is a shared human experience, transcending our circumstances. As a clinician, I too have grappled with a significant amount of shame throughout my life, stemming from being a certain way or desiring certain things. Consequently, when I relocated to a new country, I experienced urges to disappear. I once confided in my clinical supervisor, expressing a wish to erase my online presence, convinced that I wouldn’t be liked or accepted for who I truly was.
Difficult or invalidating experiences in our past may lead to heightened sensitivity in experiencing certain emotions swiftly and more intensely than others, regardless of environmental triggers. Despite the overwhelming anguish I felt back then, I find some solace now to a certain extent. This improvement stems from a multitude of variables and steps I undertook and it’s important to note that this process varies for different individuals. What I’m trying to convey is that while I still encounter days when shame is more pronounced than others, its grip on me isn’t as incapacitating as it once was.
3. Self-absorbing vs mindful acceptance: According to Germer, “what we resist persists” and the avoidance of shame is more problematic than the emotion itself. Avoidance of shame might show up as wilfulness, rumination, anger and blame. When we feel powerless, we often adopt a defensive armour, interpreting everything as an attack and responding aggressively. This can evolve into a self-fulfilling prophecy, ultimately isolating us from potential friends or mentors. The more you hide, the more ashamed you feel.
The mindful component encourages feeling shame without shunning it, allowing it space in your body and mind, deconstructing the experience by observing and describing where and how it shows up, and accepting it as a need to be loved.
What would opposite action look like?
1. Disclose Factual Personal Information: After identifying and mindfully acknowledging the emotion, pinpoint the factual details you’ve been withholding due to shame. Once recognized, share this factual information where it’s safe to do so. Starting in a secure and trusted environment, perhaps with close friends or family, could be a good initial step. This information might pertain to your background, residence, occupation, gender identity, sexual orientation, qualifications, and more. For example, writing this blog post and talking openly about my own experience with shame is an active step I am taking to manage it.
2. Engage in Previously Avoided Behaviours: Try doing things that trigger unjustified shame. For instance, consider public speaking. Begin with small steps. Start by recording yourself, replay it several times, acclimate yourself to any discomfort, and gradually build your tolerance. You could even share the recording with a friend, asking them to listen both in your absence and in your presence. Once you’ve surmounted this phase, advance to actual phone calls, leaving voice messages for friends, gradually venturing into speaking up at eateries to place your order, and participating in discussions within smaller groups, and so forth.
3. Opposite Words: It’s an extra benefit to avoid words that worsen shame, such as “I don’t know,” “I’m not sure,” and “I’m sorry, but.” Though it might seem counterintuitive to sound confident when feeling ashamed, try to avoid sounding overly apologetic when unnecessary. For instance, there’s no need for me to consistently apologize before sharing my opinions. Factually, it’s not a crime to voice your opinions if they don’t harm anyone.
4. Nourish the Need: Now that we recognize the need beneath the shame, consider addressing that need while managing how shame appears externally. Maybe many of us didn’t receive enough assurance that we were lovable, and making mistakes didn’t affect our lovability. While we can’t turn back time or always find people who can give us that reassurance, it’s practical to begin where we are. Establish a self-compassion ritual to regularly affirm love for yourself. As strange as it may sound, it’s effective. Your body and mind need to hear that someone believes in you, that it’s your inherent need to be loved, and you are indeed lovable despite mistakes, which can be corrected because humans are constantly evolving. If you struggle to speak kind phrases to yourself, I recommend listening to self-compassion meditations.
When Shame is Justified:
When shame is justified, the same mindfulness principle applies. However, you might not want to disclose it to the world because in this case, shame serves the purpose of helping you make amends. Make amends, apologize to whomever necessary, and then practice self-compassion to grant yourself the opportunity to start anew.