By Dr. Lindsey Torbit, Ph.D
I Totally Lost it On My Kid! Now what do I do? The Power of Repair.
Even the most patient and well-intentioned parent is going to lose their cool with their kiddo at some point. While increasing self-regulation is always the goal, the fact that we are human means we must accept that we are going to make mistakes. This does not make you a bad parent. You can use these opportunities, both to learn about yourself and the areas you might need to work on and to help your child learn humans are not perfect and relationships don’t need to break down or stop existing when we make a mistake. There is a way that you can heal a relationship and build trust, be accountable for the things you’ve done wrong, and that there’s no shame in apologizing meaningfully. As a mom of three and a therapist, I have yet to meet a parent who has not reacted to their child in a way they later regretted. When this happens, you may be wondering: Now what do I do? Is there any way to fix this?
That’s where repair comes in.
Repairing after an argument is the process of resolving and rebuilding the relationship, and it is a necessary life skill. Children whose parents model repairing conflict in a healthy way will not only enjoy a greater sense of security in their relationship with their parents, they will also have access to these same skills to manage conflict in their interpersonal relationships throughout their lives.
Here are 5 steps that can be helpful when repairing with your child:
- Focus on Calming Yourself First
You can’t make an effective repair and connect with your child if you are still dysregulated. Take a moment (or several) to take some deep breaths, splash some water on your face, call or text a friend. Do whatever you have to do to regulate yourself before you attempt to repair.
- Apologize
This is the most important step. It starts with getting down on your child’s level and sincerely apologizing to them. This can be tricky for many because so many of us were not apologized to when we were children. If this is not something that was modelled for you, this can feel uncomfortable, and effective apologies are like any other skill- they need practice. Here are some key elements of an effective apology:
- Acknowledge the wrongdoing and accept responsibility
Focus on your own behaviour and resist the urge to defend your actions- the focus needs to be on repairing the relationship, not rehashing the incident. You can offer an explanation, but it’s important that you don’t ruin a good apology by making excuses for your behaviour. “Sorry, I yelled – but you deserved it” is not what we want to communicate. We want to accept responsibility and express remorse. It can sound like: “I wish I hadn’t reacted to you in that way. I’m sorry. I had a really hard day at work and was feeling very stressed, then you were fighting with your brother and I got frustrated and yelled at you. It is my responsibility to manage my big feelings, and I should not have yelled at you.”
- Create space for your child to share how the experience affected them
Ask and listen to how the incident made them feel. This is a very important and often forgotten aspect of repair. Giving your child explicit permission to show or tell you how the conflict affected them allows them to feel heard, seen and validated, and is a significant part of the healing and repair process. This can sound like “’m really sorry I lost my temper and I shouted at you. That must have been really hard for you. What did you feel? What thoughts did you have? Our relationship is very important to me and I really care about the way you feel. I want to hear what you have to say.” This step may need some modification depending on the age of your child and their verbal abilities. For younger children you can offer a hypothesis as to what you think they might have felt, “that must have made you feel scared when I shouted so loudly.”
- Share your intention and plan to make better choices in the future.
This is wonderful modelling of what a better choice might look like, and an opportunity to teach coping skills. This can sound like “Next time I am feeling angry, I am going to take a break and focus on taking deep breaths, splash cold water on my face, get a glass of water.”
- Affirm Your Love for Them
When a parent loses their temper and there isn’t a proper repair, children often try to make sense of the conflict themselves. This can often lead our kids to believe there is something wrong with them- that they as a person are the reason for the conflict. As such, it is important that we reassure our children that this is not true and that we love them regardless of any conflict. This could sound like “Even when I am angry I still love you. There is nothing you could ever do that would make me love you any less.”
Asking your child if they’re ready to reconcile can help them let go of the hurt and reconnect emotionally. This can sound like: “Are we ready for a hug?” It’s important to note that your child may not feel ready, and this should not be forced. If your child is not ready to forgive, you want to know that, so you can continue to help resolve what is being held onto from the interaction.
- Move Through the Guilt
Guilt is a powerful punisher for parents and it can prevent us from being able to do what we need to do to repair. If you struggle with getting stuck in guilt, it may be helpful to know that attachment research has demonstrated that parents do not need to be perfect in meeting the emotional needs of their child, what matters is the repair of the mismatch- that the parent is able to try again and re-establish emotional attunement, In fact, the constant mismatch and repair process can actually further strengthen the attachment relationship. The shift in mindset from remembering that it isn’t losing your temper that defines a relationship- it’s about the repair, can help you move through the very heavy (and often justified) feelings of guilt.
If we don’t allow the guilt to be used as a weapon to beat ourselves up with, we can allow it to communicate its intended function- to alert you that you have done something that you are not happy about, that goes against your values. This can serve to both motivate the repair as well as inspire some curiosity about how to make changes to minimize this behaviour in the future.
- Practice Self-Compassion and Aim for Progress Not Perfection
You cannot make positive changes if you are constantly telling yourself, “I am a bad parent. I’m screwing up my kids. I’ll never get this right.” No one is able to regulate their emotions 100% of the time. This is true for both yourself and your child, and increasing our compassion for ourselves in these moments can also help increase our compassion for our children.
When you are in a calm state, you can take some time to reflect on what your triggers are, perhaps talk to a friend or partner, and spend some time being proactive about how you’re going to handle your triggers when they come up again (which they will). Do you need tools to help you regulate your own emotions so you can tolerate your child’s dysregulation? Do you need more breaks, more support, more self-care? Having a plan on what you will do when you are triggered and practising that alternative response will be helpful in starting to change your reaction patterns.
Along the journey of parenting, we will inevitably do things we regret. What our kids need to know is that our relationship is always intact, despite moments of conflict. It takes courage to admit you were wrong and to ask for forgiveness, and modelling healthy conflict resolution in the family results in children who are much better at both taking responsibility for their words or actions that negatively impact others, as well as being better able to assert and hold boundaries.