By: Agustina Jorquera, M.Ed, RP
A friend of mine and I were walking around the city one weekend, talking about our jobs – the things we find enjoyable, the challenges and the new perspectives. She asked me:
Is there a common struggle across age groups of people going to therapy?
I have been lucky in my career to be able to work with adolescents, young adults and adults. The question stunned me and also made me reflect on times when I feel the most uncomfortable being a therapist. I grow the most uncomfortable when I have to tell someone the following:
‘I think this situation calls for radical acceptance’
No matter what the age group, when a situation has no problem-solving strategy in sight, the above words strung along in a sentence make me nervous. I usually take a deep breath, deliberate back and forth on how I should string these words along in a sentence,
utter them and grab onto the edges of my seat. Humans do not like hearing that a problem has to be ‘accepted’. We always want to do something about it, we want to make a change and we want it sooner rather than later.
We employ radical acceptance when the problem at hand has no solution and the only way to diminish suffering is by accepting what is offered until a solution becomes available. There are some things in life that have to be permanently accepted such as the loss of a relationship, or the loss of someone we love. There are other things in life that demand temporary acceptance, such as living with the uncertainty of a life transition or tolerating being in a job we dislike until a new one shows up.
What radical acceptance IS NOT
-> Giving in
-> Being complacent
-> ‘Losing’ the battle
-> ‘Letting others off the hook’
What radical acceptance IS
-> It’s a stance more so than a ‘skill’ in the face of a situation where there may be Loss (i.e., death, relationship dissolution) or a state of impossibility (i.e., cannot hurry up results from a lab, cannot make your partner clean as good as you!)
-> It’s a ‘mental’ posture
-> It can be a temporary or a permanent stance toward a situation
-> It partners up with ‘understanding’ vs. ‘giving in’ to something
-> It allows us to acknowledge that life has limits
-> It can feel liberating and relieve anxiety
-> Sadness often holds its hand (as we learn to accept, we are also
learning to feel the sadness of something that can’t be solved)
-> It’s a process, usually starting with a state of radical non-acceptance
-> It ebbs and flows (some days are easier to accept a situation, whereas other days may prove to be more challenging)
-> It’s our psychological apparatus maturing
No matter in which stage of life we are in, we are all faced with situations that have no solution or cannot be solved in the moment – demanding from us the ability to accept and proceed with life on its terms. Uttering the words or thinking about acceptance usually makes us cringe with anxiety and anger, however many times, it is the only path forward. Radical acceptance is NOT passive, it’s an active process. It challenges our ‘doing’ mind to sit with the discomfort of having to watch something be, without implementing a change strategy. Think of something this week that you have to radically accept. Try repeating the words ‘I need to let this be’, ‘I need to STOP and step back’, and ‘I need to proceed with life on life’s terms’.
Happy accepting.