By: Dr Sharon Chan, PhD.
Navigating a separation or divorce is so difficult for the entire family. It is a process often fraught with intense emotions that may include sadness, pain, anger, resentment, disappointment, frustration, and grief. Clouded judgments, emotionally reactive or impulsive responses, grappling with burnt out, or even feeling paralyzed are signs that emotion-mind may be in high gear. Working with a variety of families undergoing this process has helped me identify common guidelines to answer the question that is often asked: What is helpful or not helpful to do?
(Note: these tips apply to many but not all family situations. For example, in cases where one parent no longer has contact with the child for various reasons, or it is unsafe to do so, some of these points may not be applicable.)
- You may no longer be romantic partners, but you will always be parents to your children, even as they get older. As such, you will always share this family bond and will need to accept a relationship of being co-parents. Don’t gatekeep contact with the other parent, self-check if you are reinforcing unhelpful narratives that vilify the other parent. There may be times you struggle to agree with or even like your ex but remember they will always be your child’s parent and this is a relationship that your child will need the freedom to establish on their own terms. Many of my adult clients seek therapy to explore unprocessed grief and unresolved yearning for a parent figure that was unavailable or inaccessible in their life at an earlier time. Support your child in developing their own relationship with each parent, as they desire, free of influence and pressure. Let them continue or end; strengthen or keep at bay, relationships through their own experiences and choices.
- No bad-mouthing about your co-parent, or to your co-parent, especially in front of or with your child. Regardless of your personal feelings, communicate in a way that models basic respect and fairness as much as possible. You don’t have to like your ex, but be mindful of the language that includes swearing, blaming, making negative evaluations of their character, and in general language that reflects contempt. Even if they have done things that have hurt you. Of course, being fallible human beings, we sometimes lose our cool and words get away from us. At those times, self-check, think about what is fair, and model repairs and apologies when appropriate. By working through your conflicts with your ex, you are teaching your child how to treat others and how to resolve conflict effectively. It is also damaging to put your child in a position where they will have to pick and choose sides with parents and feel guilt or shame for being forced to do so.
- Respect each other’s boundaries with time and scheduling. In many families, clear agreements and routines around when each child spends time with each parent can be helpful in reducing confusion, resentment, anxiety, and uncertainty in both parent and child. Communicate your needs and respect those of your co-parent. Follow custody decisions. Don’t book important events that conflict with your co-parent and force your children to choose. Strive to be transparent, reasonable, and fair in the division of time. Consider using a shared calendar to keep track of events in each household. Keep communication short, brief, and civil when booking off important dates – don’t ask your child to be the messenger. Once you book a date, commit to it as much as possible, and accept that your co-parent also has the right to protected time with their child.
- Re-learn how to communicate effectively with your partner. Your relationship with your ex has changed, so it is natural the communication style will also change. This may take time. In your communication style, avoid the four horsemen of the apocalypse: contempt, stonewalling, criticism, and defensiveness. Particularly for younger children, having an open channel of communication is necessary (no stonewalling!), even if it is uncomfortable. Acknowledge what your co-parent does well or effectively and avoid being overly critical or speaking with contempt. Be open to feedback and the idea that your co-parent has meaningful things to contribute through their parenting.
- As much as possible, strive to be consistent across households with important rules, expectations, and contingencies including reinforcement and consequences, particularly when there are difficult behaviours that are being shaped into more effective ones. Be united in your goals and approach so that you don’t fall into a good-cop-bad-cop dynamic that undermines change and builds resentment. If homework must be completed before screentime, make sure this is the same in both households. If a child is required to earn tangible rewards for the completion of chores in one household, this system will fail if they are freely receiving those same tangibles in the other household. For younger children, try to have similar routines for bedtime and getting ready for school.
- Continue strengthening your own attachment bond with your child to build resiliency and accumulate positive experiences. Focus on what you can do within your control. Spend one-on-one, child-directed time doing an activity that they choose. Make this time about shared enjoyment, not about teaching, lecturing, venting, or brooding. Make these bonding moments a routine, something your child can look forward to and expect to be predictable and consistent, amid all the other destabilizing changes that are happening. Be interested in what they like, make time to actively listen, and get involved. Build new traditions for holidays, milestones, ad travel and involve your children for their input. Going on a family vacation with just one parent instead of two may bring up feelings of sadness and loss, and is also an to create new traditions. Accumulate experiences that bring connection and happiness so that you and your child are more resilient against stressful moments that inevitably arise throughout the separation process.
- When introducing future partners and blending new family members, check in, take it slow and put kids first. Your child may take time getting used to a new partner, or their children. Teach and expect your child to show respect, acceptance, and consideration for blended family members without forcing relationships and labels (“stepparent”, “stepsibling”). Respect your child’s comfort level and their relationships with existing family members.
- Work on yourself in whatever way helpful, whether through your own therapy, introspective reflections, support group, self-care, or seeking education to access your wise-mind and come to a place where you can do the above. Remember that sometimes it’s less about being right and more important to do what works. When you make a mistake, practice self-compassion so you can get back into the saddle to continue trying and rebuilding.
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