By Shawna Allen, MA
Validation is the act of letting someone else know that their experience is real. Validation is an important part of letting kids know that you understand them, their emotions, and their thoughts. Being understood helps a child feel connected and supported. When a child is understood, it helps them accept their emotions as real and encourages self-compassion and the ability for them to be empathic with others.
What validation is:
- Listen to your child. Try to avoid telling them what to do. Instead, listen closely!
- Respect what your child is saying about their experience.
- Let your child know that you can understand their experience by restating it to them.
- Be curious! Ask questions about all the factors that may have contributed to their experience.
- Create an environment where your child can share their concerns with you. Even if you don’t think the problem is of real concern, it may be to your child.
Ways to validate at home:
- Validate the valid
It can be hard to validate your child when they are making a choice you do not agree with. However, you can still validate the things that are valid. This includes their emotions, thoughts, and who they are as a person. You can accept your child without condoning all their choices and behaviours.
- For example, if your child is upset because they did poorly on a test that they did not study for, you can validate the emotion without validating the behaviour.
- Communicate understanding
When talking to your child, it is important that you communicate to them that you understand where they are coming from in an authentic way.
- Avoid using “but” when validating your child’s feelings.
- Instead of “it makes sense why you feel angry, but this is why you’re wrong” try “it makes sense why you are feeling angry, this must be very frustrating.”
- Recognize your own emotions
It can be challenging to validate your child in a genuine way if you are experiencing strong emotions in the moment. It can be helpful to focus on ways to be mindful of and cope with your own emotions. This will allow you to better manage how you respond to your child’s feelings in the moment.
- Think about past experiences
If you are having a hard time validating your child, it can be helpful to think about what your child has been through and how it may be contributing to their behaviour. Once you validate their feelings, and communicate understanding, you can help them see the connection between their feelings and behaviour.