By: Naiara Perin Darim, M.Psy
Dealing with loss usually looks and feels different from our expectations and presentations in talk shows, on social media and in books. The prospected following of the five famous stages of grief linearly and continuously may cause suffering and concern instead of insight. Fitting in the pattern is comforting for everyone involved; it can also be a lot of pressure. Suffering is multi-dimensional – for instance, not everyone goes through deep sorrow related to their loss.
After understanding that grief and bereavement are unique and individual by design, we can move on to accepting that accepting a loss is counter-intuitive for our mental protective systems. Essentially, our brains will most likely try to get us away from realizing our demise by denying others. We might urge to move on or stand still, feel sad, peaceful, or numb emotions away. The grief needs to blossom and mature so we can feel it, tolerate it, and live with its presence.
Remaining connected to what we lost is beneficial to the process. Some behaviours help us experience grief and go through the process openly. The external behaviours and processes may be intimate pieces of the relationship that, if continued, can maximize the healing. They are helpful if they are not too stressful and bring the grieving and bereaved some comfort. In that case, keep it, and allow it to happen. With time and tolerance, the acute state of mourning subsides – and we may remain inconsolable.
A few behaviours that are expected and tend to cause discomfort to others around:
- ‘Mummification’ – creating a time capsule by keeping objects and spaces untouched is common and very off-putting for others, depending on the culture.
- Feel the presence of the dead – evaluate if it brings comfort and if it is welcome.
- Use the deceased as a moral guide.
- ‘Communicating’ with the deceased – out loud or quietly.
- Storytelling – talking a lot about the deceased.
We may want the grief to go away but are pushing away the love when we do that. It needs space to exist within us. Grieving happens much more around being than doing; it is exhausting, so do not add high pressure to perform.
Adjusting life without the object usually happens internally and externally; the latter is done by occupying the spaces that the person used to fill. It is increasingly hard to experience a loss when we are physically disconnected – that is especially meaningful for immigrants, refugees, incarcerated, and people with transmittable diseases, among others.
We tend to oscillate from wanting to be in the past while life pushes us to the present and future. We might feel guilty leaving the past even though it is no longer available. The bouncing usually improves by learning to connect with the past while also engaging with our life now – find comfort in the middle by accessing reminders and meeting current demands. We can not press the pause button to deal with grief; it happens simultaneously with life.
Some people may need further support in their grieving process. The difference between grief and the DSM diagnostic criteria of Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder is intensity and duration – clinically significant impairment. It is not a formal diagnosis but a condition for further study under the Other Specified Trauma and Stressor-Related Disorder.
An exploratory activity you may choose is called The Grief House; it may be advisable to seek support to engage in this activity as it may trigger deep feelings.
1 Draw a house with at least three floors, a door, a chimney, a roof, and a top flag.
2 On the ground, write words representing values that govern your life.
3 On the first floor, write 1 or 2 sentences about your experience of grief.
4 On the second floor, write who or what has helped you as a griever.
5 On the third floor, write anything positive coming from the loss.
6 In the attic, write a statement of hope for the future.
7 On the roof, write people or things that protect you.
8 Vertically alongside the wall, list people or things that support you.
9 On the door, write loss-related things that you keep hidden.
10 At the chimney, write ways you blow off steam for self-care.
11 On the flag, write something you wish others knew about your grief.
12 Draw yourself in the place of the house where you feel that you are.
13 Look at the whole image and notice what thoughts and feelings might emerge. You may realize pieces you failed to observe before.
The main message on living with grief and bereavement is – to accommodate your grief as it comes, respect what your emotions are communicating to you and walk your path. Stay present while accessing your past as you feel like you need it. Access support from professionals and loved ones, and make sure to express yourself as accurately as possible. Feel it as much as you can, open space for it in your life, and it will exist with the many other things that integrate you as a human being. Happiness and grief are not mutually excluding; both can be present.