By: Alyson Dudley, RSW
The end of school can be complicated for many families as students are wrapping up year end assignments, preparing for exams and making plans for the summer. This can at times lead to conflict between family members due to stress and differing expectations.
DBT skills that could be helpful for parents:
- Mindfulness
- observe and describe what is factual and what is happening in the moment
- stay in the present moment as focusing on the past or future is often not helpful
- avoid judgements
- Skills to self regulate
- Work on regulating yourself so that you can effectively respond to whatever is happening (eg. TIPP skill, ACCEPTS skill)
- Try to stay in Wise Mind
- Help children to regulate
- eg. Offer ice pack to encourage use of TIPP skill
- Avoid escalation of arguments
- Eg. Use STOP skill to pause and then decide how to proceed mindfully
- Validation
- Of yourselves as parents (eg. “Parenting is difficult and it makes sense that I’m having difficulty”)
- Of your children (reminder that validation does not mean that you necessarily agree with the behaviour. You are looking for the kernel of truth that you can validate e.g. validate emotions, but perhaps not the behaviour)
- Radical Acceptance of child’s choices
- This does not mean that you agree with them, only that you are acknowledging that these are the facts/the choices your child made
- Once we accept a situation is as it is, rather than refusing to accept reality, it can lead to less suffering and perhaps lead to ways we can cope
- Pleasant Activities together to strengthen relationship
- Spend time together engaging in pleasant activities
- Show genuine interest in your child’s interests and genuinely listen to their plans for their future (even if you don’t agree with or like their ideas)
- Self-Care
- Take care of yourself (eg. Attend to your own needs)
- Promote Communicating effectively
- Promote accurate expression of emotions, thoughts, needs and expectations
- Act as a model for the behaviour you wish you to see in your children (eg. calmly and effectively asking for what you need)
- Problem Solve with your child when they are ready or if a corrective conversation is needed after the skills above have been used
- Eg. Preparing a resume
- Eg. Discussion about lower marks and the need for summer school
The use of these skills can promote understanding, help to de-escalate conflict, and perhaps lead to problem solving and even enjoyable time together!
Adapted From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition, by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan.