By Olivia Provost-Walker
For many, the month of May is synonymous with early summer blooms, long weekends, and notably, Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day like many holidays can bring up challenging memories, emotions, and reactions, especially as media inundates us with ads and reminders to purchase gifts for mom. For those of us who have complex family dynamics, who have lost mothers and maternal figures, or who are trying to become mothers or parents, the air of celebration can often be coupled with pain. These experiences, complicated as they are, are also inherently dialectical. On the one hand, we may be experiencing pleasant events, thoughts, and emotions in the present, and simultaneously experiencing grief, anger, resentment, or disappointment. Dialectical strategies can help us by allowing us to give space to both experiences, to care for ourselves, validate our emotions, AND celebrate and honour the maternal figures in our lives and within ourselves.
Make Room for Grief
Whether Mother’s Day is difficult due to loss, distance, incompatibility, or any number of reasons, emotions and thoughts related to grief are common repercussions. Sadness is a natural response to things not being what we would like or expect, feeling alone or isolated, thinking about losses, and missing someone. During this holiday, rather than suppressing grief and acting as though it is not there, acknowledging its presence, and validating it can in turn, allow us to let go and get unstuck. Self-validating phrases that can be used when grief rears its head can include, “It makes sense for me to be feeling x right now”, “I am allowed to feel x”, “It is understandable that today is hard for me” or simply, “Ouch, this hurts”.
Nurture Yourself
Taking care of ourselves when we know we will be more vulnerable due to sensitive holidays or important dates is essential. On Mother’s Day in particular, it may be useful to schedule taking time away from our responsibilities and from media, to nurture our bodies, minds, and souls. This can look like using PLEASE skills to get adequate sleep, exercise, and nutrition. It can also mean engaging in care routines that soothe the senses (e.g., lighting a particular incense or candle), or fully participating in an enjoyable activity or one that increases our sense of mastery. Whatever activities you choose, taking time to care for yourself is a functional way of self-validating. By behaving compassionately towards ourselves, we acknowledge and validate our experiences through our actions in addition to our words.
Consider Commemorating Other Maternal Figures
When applying dialectics, there is always more than one side, and it is important to look for other sides in order to find a synthesis. In this case, when experiencing valid painful or complicated emotions related to Mother’s Day, consider whether there are any other maternal figures in your life who have supported, nurtured, and/or educated you, that could be kept at the forefront of your mind during this day. Consider celebrating friends, teachers, religious or community leaders, and/or other family members of any gender or relation to you who have had a positive impact on you and who have cared for and about you. Remember in applying this strategy that maternal figures can look any way, and that celebrating chosen family and chosen mothers is as valid as celebrating any other meaningful relationship.