Marlyse Bergstra
You may have noticed the barrage of new shows appearing on Netflix and Crave lately that are alllll about sex. Sex Education. Sex/Life. The Sex Lives of College Girls. There is an amazing movement towards open communication about sex and increased sex positivity in society.
As much as I appreciate that Western society is beginning to speak about sex openly, TV shows have a bit of a bias: they need to make money to survive. There may be some positive themes around consent and perhaps some good attempts to normalize previously-ignored aspects of sex, but there can also be a healthy dose of glamorization and a tendency to focus on the “sexier” aspects of sex. Many shows can even step completely away from reality and continue to reinforce messages about sex that are shaming, distorted, or just plain wrong.
For this reason, I recommend Dr. Emily Nagoski’s book, “Come As You Are” as a realistic and research-driven portrayal of female sexuality that may help to balance some of these other media messages. Dr. Nagoski touches on topics such as anatomy and a model of sexual response in a way that emphasizes the impact of environmental factors or “context”: stress, mood, emotions, body image, and culture. Throughout this, she consistently drives home a message of “yes, that’s normal”, destigmatizing many conceptions about sex that are consistently upheld in television or other media.
Nagoski alludes to mindfulness and self-compassion throughout the book, practices that align beautifully with DBT. She notes the unhelpful impact of the emotion of shame. We all know that shame is an emotion that thrives in secrecy. With sex and sexuality, it might be perpetuated for a lifetime, locked inside someone who is never given the opportunity to understand “yes, that’s normal”.
We know that one way to combat shame is to act opposite: stop hiding and admit your secret worries, first to yourself, and eventually, maybe even to someone else. I wonder if a first step might be reading this book, giving yourself the opportunity to start thinking and learning about your own sexuality. With time, this might lead to having a conversation about it with a friend, partner, or therapist. With each conversation, that feeling of shame will loosen its hold slightly, opening you up to new experiences and a more compassionate, loving view of yourself.
Happy reading!
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