Broadview Psychology

Broadview Psychology

Befriending Ourselves: Observing and Identifying Self-Relational Needs

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By Agustina Jorquera, M.Ed. RP

Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (2014) teaches us that in any interpersonal interaction (i.e., family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships, work-relationships, etc.), three aspects must be balanced. These three aspects are: 

  • Clarifying a need we have while… 
  • Maintaining the type of relationship that we are hoping to keep without…
  • Jeopardizing our self-respect

Let’s explore the first aspect which discusses the ability to identify a need. Defining a relational need may be where we begin, as it requires insight and mindfulness to be able to identify our own relational needs, without feeling easily clouded or dissuaded with self-judgment, doubt, guilt, apprehension, or hesitancy. 

So, what constitutes a relational need? A relational need could be defined as any of the following:

  • Saying no to a request (i.e., I can’t come to your birthday dinner)
  • Making a request of someone else (i.e., can you drive me home after work?)
  • Expressing to someone intimate feelings (i.e., I am starting to fall in love with you!)
  • Expressing a need for closeness (i.e., I’d like to experience more things with you)
  • Making a request for a change in a relationship (i.e., can you validate me instead of providing me with immediate solutions when I am sad about my work?)
  • Asking for help (i.e., could you help me brainstorm ways of effectively communicating with my mother on why I’d like to go out to the party?)

A SHORT EXERCISE:

Now, let me encourage you to engage in the following exercise and answer the following questions:

  1. Which of the above needs are relatively easy for you to identify?
  2. Which of the above needs are the hardest to express to others?
  3. Which of the above needs are difficult for you to identify?

FACTORS THAT IMPACT OUR ABILITY TO IDENTIFY OUR RELATIONAL NEEDS

When identifying relational needs, some of us may have emerged from a long history of being more attuned to – and perhaps – even encouraged to ‘read others’ moods and needs’ at the cost and sacrifice of tuning into our own relational needs. This is a good indicator that we may need to practice connecting to some of our DBT Skills (i.e., Wise Mind) to help us discern what it is that we may need in a relational interaction. The task of tuning into our needs requires us to pause before we act. The ability to remind ourselves that before agreeing to something, we can say: ‘Let me think about this first and get back to you!’ can be a great start to practicing the ‘muscle of tuning into our needs’. ‘People-pleasing’ tendencies may also be major culprits in interfering with our ability to identify our own relational needs.

Below are some tips and reminders for us to consider as we engage in a journey of identifying our own relational needs: 

  • Remember to take a step back before you readily agree to someone else’s request in order to, evaluate how you feel about engaging in it.
  • Practice saying ‘Let me get back to you about plans, once I figure out what my week will look like!’
  • Create daily space to tune into your Wise Mind and ask yourself ‘What do I need at this moment?’. Listen for the answer (i.e., Rest? A walk? A beverage? A moment to reflect? Engage in an activity? Some time alone? Time with others? Self-soothing activity? Talk to someone about my problems? Listen to music? Take time away to think?).
  • Avoid giving responses that are driven by a sense of urgency vs. a stance of reflection. 
  • Practice experiencing discomfort from voicing your needs.
  • Practice challenging your own thoughts about possibly asking for a need that may be rejected by someone else.

Above all – practice patience and self-compassion. Often times, identifying our own relational needs is a challenge in itself; expressing it requires another set of skills altogether. Challenging ourselves to identify our own needs can foster a sense of self-connection and self-care which contributes to the experience of ‘befriending ourselves’. When we befriend ourselves, we can be much more present in others’ lives, allowing us to nurture not only the relationship with ourselves but the relationships with others. 

References

Linehan, Marsha. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual, 2ndEdition. Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills Module.

Image

Spratt, A. (2016). Birds eye view of wine mill on grass field. UnSplash. https://unsplash.com/photos/Iqwnr00mfQM