By Imogen Sloss
We learn so much during our early years on this planet. We begin as helpless newborns and quickly develop cognitively, physically and socially. We develop the building blocks for our lives as we interact with the world around us through eating, sleeping, observing, interacting, and playing. During this stage, we also create the foundation and road maps that will guide our future relationships. We are an affiliative species and have only survived because we live in community. We are mentally and physically healthier when we are connected in balanced and solid ways with at least a few individuals around us. Our ability to acquire and maintain relationships is dependent in large part on our attachment styles, which we typically form during the first few years of our lives.
There are 4 types of attachment styles: secure, anxious-ambivalent, anxious-avoidant, and disorganized. The latter 3 styles are insecure attachment styles, meaning that individuals with these styles will experience difficulties in their relationships throughout their life. In this blog, I am going to outline the anxious attachment styles, how they impact our relationships, and what we can do to create more secure attachments.
Anxious-ambivalent:
Infants will develop an anxious-ambivalent attachment when their caregiver is unpredictable. For example, the caregiver may go back and forth between being overly involved, nurturing, and responsive, while at other times, being withdrawn, unavailable, critical, and/or insensitive. This inconsistency results in an infant not knowing what to expect from their caregiver. A child with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style may become anxious when separated from caregivers, clingy and attention seeking with caregivers, and lack confidence in exploring their environments. In adulthood, these individuals will be insecure in their relationships, such that they long for closeness and intimacy, while being afraid to trust others because of their fear of abandonment. They may be emotionally intense, sensitive, self-critical and self-doubting, and may have low feelings of self-worth. In relationships, they may themselves be unpredictable, and may seek reassurance and be clingy and dependent on others.
Anxious-avoidant:
Infants will learn an anxious-avoidant attachment style when their caregiver responds by either ignoring their emotional needs or by shaming them. The caregiver may be emotionally unavailable, unresponsive, and distant, or they may be harsh, dismissive, and critical. This form of caregiving leads children to believe that their emotional needs do not matter, and so they will hide their emotions, and be overly independent. These children hide their anxiety and distress, and avoid seeking the support and help of others. In adulthood, individuals with an anxious-avoidant attachment style will have trouble connecting with others because of their struggles with trust. These individuals are afraid of vulnerability and intimacy, so they may appear emotionally distant and/or critical in relationships, and will not reach out when they need help.
Disorganized:
Infants will acquire a disorganized attachment style if they are afraid of their caregiver due to inconsistent, erratic and harsh/punitive parenting. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse also contribute to a greater likelihood of disorganized attachment. Infants with a disorganized attachment will exhibit distress both when present and absent from their caregivers, and they are difficult to soothe. These children love and fear their caregivers, which creates a conflict for them between seeking support and avoiding doing so. In adulthood, people with a disorganized attachment style will have unpredictable and intense relationships. They will long to be close to others while avoiding that closeness by pushing others away because of their inability to trust. They may display fearful or aggressive behaviour toward others. In addition, these individuals will struggle internally with feelings of shame, inadequacy, and unworthiness, and they may experience depression and anxiety.
While insecure attachment styles may have many long-term impacts on one’s relationships, there is hope. Adolescents and adults can develop more secure and healthy interpersonal relationships. Below are some suggestions for individuals who have insecure attachments:
- Form relationships with individuals who are secure. The stability of these individuals can help you to feel safe and learn to trust, which can in turn help you to develop trust with others.
- Become more aware of your emotions and needs, and communicate these clearly to others.
- Take risks in being vulnerable and open in relationships with others.
- Enhance your self-soothing so that you can learn to take care of yourself instead of relying exclusively on others.
- Develop awareness of your interpersonal responses and strive to be more consistent and effective in your relationships.
- Process trauma and difficult interpersonal experiences so that you are able to understand your past and reduce its impact on your present behaviour and relationships.
We, humans, need healthy relationships and thrive when we are part of a community. Insecure attachment styles can interfere with building such supportive friendships and networks. With courage and deliberate work, those of us who have insecure attachments can learn new ways of relating to others and thus can benefit from being connected to those around us.
Images
Sikkema, K. (2018). New Parents. UnSplash. https://unsplash.com/photos/WvVyudMd1Es.