By Agustina Jorquera, M.Ed., Registered Psychotherapist
When I was first introduced to mindfulness, I held onto a lot of judgment. I had mistakenly held on to the idea that to be mindful, was to be QUIET in the mind, to have my mind go BLANK and to be able to achieve an internal state of utmost, undisturbed peace. Over time, I started to acknowledge that my preconception of mindfulness was getting in the way of appreciating its art: the art of observing, describing and being entirely present with an experience.
Once I was able to shift my posture to understanding mindfulness, I was able to appreciate a new perspective that could be portable to basically any experience that life could offer: mindful eating, mindful observation of the environment around me, mindful description of my thoughts and feelings, mindful observation of my physiology, mindful listening of music. However, the above appeared to me as solitary experiences and I, again, equated mindfulness to an experience that could only be achieved in solitude.
So, I shifted further. I started to understand that mindfulness is the art of being present. This presence extends beyond ourselves and can make itself present in interpersonal relationships. Research continuously shows the important correlation of the reciprocal influence between the quality of our relationships and the quality of our lives overall. Given that we are interdependent beings transacting with our social environment on a daily basis, bringing mindfulness into our mode of relating with others is an important aspect of building connectivity, awareness, vulnerability and richness to the quality of our relationships.
Below are ways in which the art of ‘mindfully relating’ could be used within our interpersonal relationships, especially if we are engaging in an interaction where we may have differing views from the other:
- Be Intentional: Prepare yourself mentally and commit to being mindful as you enter a relational interaction.
- Be curious: Lean into the words, phrases, stories and narrative that the other person is saying.
- Do one-thing-at-a-time: Be present in the conversation. Tune into what is being said by the other, internally tune into how you feel in the presence of the other.
- Observe and Resist Distraction: Be attentive to the ‘here-and-now’ of the conversation. Resist the temptation to become distracted by your own thoughts, by your ‘to-do’ list, by social media or tasks on your electronic device. Resist the temptation to state your point of view right away. Quietly observe if you are becoming distracted and gently bring your focus back to the relational experience.
- Respond vs. React: Be responsive vs. reactive. Responsiveness requires curiosity, asking more questions, validating, acknowledging what the other person is saying even if you do not agree with it. Remember, acknowledging does not mean agreeing. There will be time for you to state your point of view. Practice patience. Responsiveness is bringing to the relational interaction what is needed in order to be effective.
- Be present: Be physically present as well as being present in your mind in the interaction. Tune into what you are feeling. Appreciate the moment, offer gratitude to the other (sometime this requires vulnerability!).
Above all, ‘keep it simple’. Mindfully relating to others is the currency that drives effective relationships. Mindfully relating is a skill that needs exercising. The mindful time we give to others is a gift that we also give to ourselves.
Image
Castor, J. (2016). Water Lily. UnSplash. https://unsplash.com/photos/7AcMUSYRZpU.