Parenting stress: What is it and six tips to manage its impact
By Tamara Meixner, MA, Ph.D. Candidate
One year has passed since the World Health Organization classified COVID-19 as a global pandemic. With this, families began distancing from everything familiar, and the ensuing effects on parents have been – to put it mildly – profound. Among the many stressors endured, parents have faced separation from their support systems (e.g., childcare), expanded/unbalanced caregiving responsibilities and demands (e.g., teaching school curricula), blurred and disrupted personal and professional routines, and (intensified) financial burden. Perhaps most impactful, however, parents have had to continuously navigate a landscape in which the safety of their children was rendered increasingly precarious.
So, parents, if this feels hard it’s because it is hard, and it’s not because you’re doing it wrong.
“Parenting stress” is the distress you experience when you struggle to manage as a parent. All parents experience some degree of parenting stress, and when not overwhelming, overcoming stressful experiences can promote healthy coping mechanisms and foster family resilience1. However, when levels of parenting stress are chronically high, or feel uncontrollable, it our ability to tune into and effectively respond to the thoughts, feelings, and needs of our children can be hampered2.
The degree of stress experienced in the parenting role at any given time varies substantially and is influenced by diverse factors. It reflects intersections between parenting task demands (e.g., meeting children’s physical and psychological needs), parental psychological well-being and subjective experiences of childrearing (e.g., confidence as a parent), child psychosocial adjustment, qualities of the parent-child relationship, and availability of resources (e.g., knowledge, emotional support). Interestingly, the way that we experience and cope with stress in the parenting role appears to be distinct from other domains of adult life and family functioning (e.g., work-related stress), though they certainly interact1. This means that our ability to manage stress across roles is likely not uniform and may require unique approaches or strategies.
The bottom line is that when the demands of parenting outweigh the necessary or available resources, parenting stress grows, and COVID-19 has undoubtedly tipped the scales. It has demanded impressive levels of flexibility, decision-making in the face of uncertainty, and acceptance of a whole host of undesirable changes. While there is light at the end of this twisting tunnel, we are not yet out of the woods. As such, it has never been more important to check-in and encourage the well-being of our fellow parents.
Below are a few ideas to help parents care for themselves so that they can continue caring for others.
Befriend your (parenting) stress.
Bringing stress into our awareness puts us in a better position to respond proactively. Get to know your warning signs, triggers, and reactions. You could:
- Set reminders on your phone or around your home that encourage you to check in frequently with how you’re feeling.
- Be curious (but withhold judgment) about your thoughts, feelings, and body sensations.
- Remind yourself that learning to slow reactions to stress is an imperfect process that takes time and practice.
Hit the pause button.
It’s easier to calm down when we haven’t yet reached our breaking point. Take a step back and allow yourself an opportunity to reset and move forward. Try to:
- Take a few slow, deep breaths or depart on a mini mental vacation by visualizing a relaxing place.
- Notice what you’re experiencing with your five senses.
- Focus on a coping thought such as: What do I need to do to get through this moment?
Little things matter.
Catching positives or noticing what’s going well (especially in the parenting role) can lessen stress and improve mood. You might:
- Allow yourself moments of joy or delight throughout the day.
- Choose to let go of something.
- Reflect on what you’re grateful for.
Request back-up.
It’s okay to ask for help — who are the people in your life who can support you? A few ideas:
- Schedule a regular video chat time with a friend or family member.
- Join a parenting group on social media or create a group chat with other parents.
- Organize a virtual babysitter or playdate.
Self-care is not selfish.
Be intentional about creating space to recharge and decompress. Remember, there is no act of self-care that doesn’t contribute meaningfully to your well-being. Think small and achievable:
- Create a self-care routine that includes activities and a plan for when and how you can carry them out.
- Reconnect with one hobby or activity you used to enjoy or choose to learn a new skill.
- Consider involving your child(ren) in a fun activity that you can delight in together.
Be kind to yourself.
Self-talk matters. Particularly in times of stress, it can be difficult to offer ourselves the same kindness that we offer to others. Where possible:
- Set realistic expectations for yourself (and others) and practice forgiveness when they are not met.
- Think about what you might say to another parent at the end of a hard day and offer that to yourself.
- Take a guided self-compassion break. Here’s one to try by Dr. Dzung Vo, Director of the BC Children’s Centre for Mindfulness: https://keltymentalhealth.ca/sites/default/files/resources/Dr. Vo.mp4
Above all, remember that feelings of sadness, frustration, burnout and the like are expected right now. On the anniversary of the pandemic, let us celebrate parents – their struggles, their successes, and their unwillingness to give up.
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References
1Deater-Deckard, K. (2004). Parenting stress. New Haven, CT: Yale University Press. https://doi.org/10.12987/yale/9780300103939.001.0001
2 Crnic K., Ross E. (2017). Parenting Stress and Parental Efficacy. In: Deater-Deckard K., Panneton R. (Eds.) Parental Stress and Early Child Development (pp. 263-284). Springer, International Publishing.https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-55376-4_11
Photos
Pelusi, D. L. (2020). Brown Bear with Mask. UnSplash. https://unsplash.com/photos/E37ulnh8Obg.
Hooper, E. (2020). The world is closed sign. UnSplash. https://unsplash.com/photos/Q8m8cLkryeo.
Wheeler, J. (2018). Mother and child walking. UnSplash. https://unsplash.com/photos/RRZM3cwS1DU.