By Dr. Leann Lapp, Ph.D., C.Psych
“My mother just died.”
“My child has been diagnosed with a serious illness.”
“I didn’t get the job I was promised.”
“My partner wants to leave me.”
We have all gone through hard things, because life is full of them. Hard things are unavoidable. There are the heart-stopping events, like break-ups, deaths, illnesses, and betrayals. There is the sting of rejection, the burn of humiliation, the disappointment of failure. There are the enduring events, such as the ache of missing loved ones, or the dullness of living through COVID-19 restrictions. There are so many ways to hurt, and one of the hardest things is knowing what to say or do when someone you care about is going through one of them.
Coping with these things ourselves is a topic for another blog post; what I want to talk about here is how to support others when they are going through them. As a psychologist, it is my job to support people going through hard things, and I have certainly had the experience of feeling like my words weren’t enough, or that I didn’t have the words at all, when someone I cared about turned to me.
What most of us want is to help a person feel relief as quickly as possible. This is a natural instinct; it hurts us to know that those we care about are suffering. However, this often leads us to respond in ways that make others feel more alone, frustrated, or misunderstood. What a person needs most in that moment of suffering is understanding, companionship, and space to feel the hard emotions. And this means that when we are in the role of supporter, we need to change our perspective on what our role is; our job is not to provide immediate removal of pain but to communicate an openness to hear about another person’s suffering without judgment.
Here are some typical responses that you have probably given or received when you’ve gone through hard things:
“It’s going to be ok.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“When this happened to me…”
“Yes but look on the bright side…”
“Think of the positives!”
“At least you don’t have X…”
All of these responses come from a good place. They are attempts at reassurance, and ultimately, at relieving the other person’s pain. However, they also send the message that one should rush to feeling better or more positively about the hard thing. Sometimes this can be received well, but often times, it isn’t. How has it felt to receive these types responses yourself? When it doesn’t land, we might find ourselves feeling hurt, or frustrated that the other person doesn’t get it, or at a loss for how to get to that bright side. Responses such as these are skipping a step. The step is validation.
Validation means communicating that a person’s feelings are understandable or make sense given the circumstances. Validation does not mean you have to agree or feel the same way as that other person. Rather, when we validate, we are saying “I could see how you would feel this way given who you are and what your experience has been.”
How do we do we validate? In DBT[i], we break down validation into different levels, with the first levels being more generic, and with higher levels requiring a little more skill but often leading to feeling more deeply understood and supported.
As a first step, we can validate with our presence, meaning we are awake, attentive, and focused on the other person, rather than multitasking or being distracted. This means putting down your phone, closing your laptop, and making eye contact with the person who is hurting.
Next, you can offer some more general statements such as “this sounds so hard,” or “I can’t imagine how you feel,” or “this sounds really painful.” You can get a sense if this is landing well based on if the other person says things like “yeah, it is” or continues to share more details. This is a sign you’re on the right track and the other person is feeling more comfortable or able to talk. You could then try what we call “mind reading” to communicate more specific understanding of how the person might feel. This means imagining what emotions could makes sense in this situation, or observing what that person seems to be feeling emotionally, and commenting on that. Examples include “you must feel devastated,” or “this must be heartbroken,” or “I could see how you’d feel so worried,” or “if I thought that, I’d be so frustrated too.” Observe how the person responds. Do they keep sharing more, or do they clam up? Or, do they correct you, “no, I’m actually pretty sad, not angry.” It’s ok to get your mindreading wrong, because the point is that you’re trying to be attentive and understand, and that’s what counts for the other person.
And that’s it. You continue to make validating and reflective statements. You can continue reminding the person that you’re open to listening when they need it. When the conversation starts to peter out or you’re not sure what else to say, you can consider offering something like “I know you’re going through a lot and probably have a lot to think about. I’m happy to talk more about this tomorrow if you want to, or I’m happy to talk about something totally different if that would help!” This lets the other person know that you’re not making any assumptions about what they need, but that either way, you’re comfortable with them.
Now, you might not actually feel comfortable; in fact, we often feel upset or sad or anxious when we are in the role of supporter. That’s often what pushes us to provide reassurance or quickly suggest solutions. It’s ok to be affected by what the other person is going through; you’re a human with feelings too! If you feel less capable or skilled at supporting, you might send texts such as “thinking of you” without much elaboration. That is a more general, but also helpful level of validation.
Is there a place for giving reassurance? Yes, although again, balance it with validation. Examples could be “I know you’re so sad right now, and it might not always hurt so much,” or “this is so incredibly hard and you’ve persevered through such hard things before.” But again, proceed with caution. Validation is the foundation, and that needs to be solid before you add anything else.
You might be wondering, but when do I actually HELP? The thing is, validation is helping, and this is where you might need to shift expectations about your role as supporter. Providing concrete solutions has its place, but it’s usually most effective when it comes after the validation, if at all. You can always ask the person if there is something you can do to help or change the situation, but I’d suggest you not jump to that first. Often times, it is best to stick with validation and remind yourself that we can’t always solve a person’s suffering.
[i]Dialectical behaviour therapy, which is one of the main types of therapy we offer at Broadview Psychology
Images
Bianchetti, M. (2018). Wooden Dummies Holding Eachother. UnSplash. https://unsplash.com/photos/vzFTmxTl0DQ.