By Gibran Rodriguez de los Reyes
Now that we are all several weeks into social distancing practices and mostly following stay at home recommendations, many couples residing together may admittedly be struggling with increasing irritability and tension towards one another. These two factors may be correlated or promote inevitable arguments. These unprecedented times that we are currently experiencing have proven to be tough for many of us. These times may cause an increased amount of stress, uncertainty, and reduced social interactions outside of your relationship. These factors may lead to frustrations and vulnerability that find an escape valve through your daily interactions with your significant other. Thus, stress related to adopting COVID-19 preventive measures can threaten our physical, mental – and – relational health.
Many agree that conflicts are necessary for relationship growth as it allows partners to identify their different perspectives, negotiate boundaries, and engage in problem-solving. Nonetheless, when conflict meets heightened animosity and sharing a living space twenty-four hours a day, fights and arguments can escalate rather quickly. Navigating these difficult times, however, does not have to wreak havoc in your relationship as it can strengthen it instead. We have listed a variety of recommendations to manage interpersonal conflict with your significant other constructively during the COVID-19 pandemic.
- Reduce your vulnerabilities: Self-care is vital in reducing your vulnerability to emotional triggers. There are a variety of ways in which we can promote our self-care. For example, we can adopt practices such as eating nutritious food, getting enough sleep, doing some exercise (a few minutes go a long way!), and avoiding mood-altering substances (easy on the wine!). We may also benefit from engaging in activities that make us feel good about yourself (such as reading a book, drawing, making crafts). Activities that give us a sense of mastery may also greatly reduce our vulnerabilities!
- Take some time for yourself: This may include planning solo activities when possible. Communicate to your partner that you would like to spend some time alone. We suggest that you let them know how you want them to support you with this. If it’s at all possible for you to leave your living situation for a brisk, socially distanced walk around the block, then go ahead! If you are unable to leave, you may choose to go into a different room for a while and simply close the door. You can also use noise-cancelling headphones where possible to reduce any sounds in your immediate environment or even take a long bath by yourself.
- Practice mindfulness techniques. Make an effort to bring yourself back to the present moment if tensions between you and your significant other arise. Remember that, even if your partner is not showing any signs of distress, current times are impacting us all. There are a variety of expected responses that may arise from the current COVID-19 pandemic including mood swings, irritability, and anxiety Noticing your emotional reactions and communicating them to your partner can serve as a backdrop for better interactions. With doing so, empathy can be established between the two of you, and you can veer away from scapegoating each other!
- Hit pause and try to self-regulate yourself. If you notice that intense emotions are fueling you or if you are feeling increasingly distressed at a given moment, stop and take a few deep breaths. Ask for the conversation to be put on hold and take some time off. Use paced breathing or muscle relaxation exercises to bring down your distress (you can go on YouTube to find some guided exercises). Put your thoughts in order and re-engage later in the conversation at a later time.
- Ask for
things effectively. Communicate your wants and needs to your partner
while steering away from stonewalling and willfulness. A good way of doing this
is by following the acronym DEAR MAN. It is important to remember that DEAR MAN
means:
- Describe the situation from your perspective. It is important to do this without ascribing any blame or being judgmental (for example, “There have been two times this week in which the garbage bin is overflowing after you cook”).
- Express your feelings and opinions from your own perspective, and try not to make assumptions about your partner (for example; “I feel very overwhelmed and frustrated when the garbage bin is overflowing because I try very hard to keep the kitchen clean. I find it discouraging because I empty the bin every other day”).
- Ask for what you need from your partner (for example; “I would really like it if you emptied the bin after you’re done”).
- Reinforce this change by offering something in return (for example; “If you emptied the bin after you are done, I will feel relieved and won’t nag you about it. We can even clean the kitchen together”).
- In being effective in communicating what you want, it is essential to be Mindful of your reactions to how your partner takes your request. Balance being warm and Assertive. And also, be open to Negotiation! Do not to read your partner’s mind and let them express themselves. Using this strategy is not a guarantee that things will change, but it’s a good start!
- Be kind and encouraging. Practice acknowledging and reinforcing and each other’s strengths. It is important to turn towards one another by providing positive feedback to your significant other. Acknowledging them by thanking them often and recognizing their efforts in managing conflicts constructively is fundamental! Praise their following through with requests and express the positive impact they are having on you.
Following through with the above-mentioned recommendations may help to improve your relationship. Beyond addressing conflict, do not forget to find new pathways for intimacy and connection. Do not allow social distancing to make you feel distant from your partner! Express your love and affection. Find new activities to engage in together, explore new hobbies, play games or learn to do something new. Explore novel ways of enjoying sex. Talk about ways that you can feel closer to each other. Build a stronger relationship through navigating difficult times together and relying on each other in times of need!
Images
Follis, J. (2017). Woman Kissing Man’s Head. Unsplash. https://unsplash.com/photos/A7Um4oi-UYU.