By Dr. Michele Locke
In just a blink, the world changed. At the heart of this crisis, we are focused on protecting the most vulnerable. Physically, it is clear who meets that criteria. The news continues to highlight that MOST younger people do not have serious symptoms if infected with COVID-19 and that we need not worry as much about our children becoming sick. Physically, that is!
Emotionally, though, we may be falling short in identifying who needs the help. While it is simpler to have empathy for those who have been impacted by the economy crash, job loss, loss of food or shelter, loss of life, or the loss of loved ones; things become more complicated when we think about adolescents. After all, don’t they love time off school? More video games and TV? Having busy parents who don’t bother them? Sleeping all day?
On the surface, maybe. For all time, adolescents have complained about the monotony of school life, expectations, structure, and having to face friends after difficult days. They have complained about going to extra curricular activities, doing homework, or having to attend big family events. They have pushed limits and rules, breaking them often, and staying in bed until all hours of the afternoon. And so it would be easy to think they are living their best lives right now. We are assuming that their problems are smaller, less monumental, and that they are somehow protected from the impact of this global pandemic. The struggle with this assumption, is that it is false.
Our adolescents have lost so much. They have lost the structure they have come to expect and count on, teachers who are another source of adult caring and attention, friends who comprise their support structure almost completely, and time away from the house to explore and develop independence. They have lost predictability and consistency. They have lost expectations (because who has time to ensure chores are done while working from home and caregiving?). They have lost graduations, proms, final exams, part time jobs, boyfriends and girlfriends, and, for some, the last few months of a four year stint in high school. They have lost normalcy.
More than ever before, and with your depleted emotional, physical, and financial resources, your adolescents need you.
Here are a few ways you may be able to help:
- Acknowledge that this is hard for them. They may not be showing obvious signs of distress, and that does not mean they are not experiencing loss. Validate that they may be sad to be missing out on time with friends. Check in about feelings of loneliness, stress, anxiety, disappointment, and sadness. Let them know you imagine this is so difficult for them and that you are sorry for all they have lost here.
- Avoid INVALIDATION. Try not to minimize their losses. While their disappointment over missed socializing or events may seem ‘silly’ amidst a world crisis, try to remember that they are adolescents! Their social connections ARE their world. They have lost THEIR world.
- Have empathy. When adolescents are sad, they sometimes shut down, become defiant, or seem rude/angry. This is usually a sign that something is bothering them. Remember that they are grieving too. Remember that their problems and losses are as important to them as yours are to you. Walk away gently, rather than engaging in arguments or battles. Give space where you can in moments of emotional intensity. Try to see through the anger/defiance to the hurt human behind it all.
- Maintain expectations. Adolescents do well with structure, limits, and expectations. Whatever rules and expectations you had before COVID-19 – try to maintain those! This will help your adolescents feel some sense of consistency and normalcy. If needed, help create structure and expectations (i.e., out of the room for meals, awake by a certain time, chores to earn allowance or opportunity after COVID).
- Model healthy emotional experiencing. And limit expressions of dysregulation. Whether you think this is true or not, they are watching you. Adolescents barometer for the world’s safety is YOU. Model that you are worried and sad (i.e. do not feel you have to pretend to be happy or calm), while also being mindful not to be modelling dysregulation (i.e., excessive out loud worrying, anger or sadness outbursts).
- Use this time to connect. If you have lost that precious connection you once had when your teen was little – now is your time! Join with them on something THEY LIKE. Watch a show with them (EVEN if you cannot stand the show!), play games with them, read with them, do creative activities or out door activities with them. While you may not have tons of time in your day to conquer these – 10-30 minutes a day will go far.
- Focus less on school and more on emotional health. Yes, school is important. However, we know that kids who are suffering emotionally struggle to learn. Focus on sleep hygiene, balanced eating, and out door time. The teens will go back to school and learn again. They will not be able to do so if they are suffering emotionally at that time. Supporting their health and wellness during this pandemic will optimize their ability to learn when they get back to school.
Finally, BE KIND to yourself. Caregiving is hard on the best day. There is no precedent for parenting a teen during a global pandemic. Remind yourself that you have your child safely with you, and that there will (hopefully!) never again be a time when they are forced or willing to do be under the same roof without leaving! Remind yourself at the end of each day, that you can try again tomorrow.
Images
Gepp, A. (2016). Teen Girl in Cafe. Pixabay. https://pixabay.com/photos/girl-teen-caf%c3%a9-smartphone-sorrow-1848477/.